Give Them Hell
by SiriuslyUnreal
Summary: NEW UPDATES AND EDITS! Sirius Black is an enigma, he is the anti-hero, but how did he become who he is? And how would his story play out if a few things had been different for him? WARNINGS: Potential spoilers through DH. Potential SLASH. MWPP Era and Forward. Canon based- AU.
1. Prelude

_Grimmauld Place, London 1970_

Sirius had sat on his bed staring at the ugly green colored carpet, he was supposed to be thinking about his behavior, instead he was thinking about how to get back at Kreacher. He kicked his foot out and knocked over a pile of self-building blocks, which immediately reformed into a little pillar. Stupid elf, Stupid mother.

Andy had told him not to keep the magazine, that if anyone found it he would be in big trouble. Sirius had convinced her to send it to him, he had told her he'd destroy it quickly—but he had fallen in love with the pictures of all the shiny motorbikes. Andy was at Hogwarts and wrote him the most fantastic letters about the school and the friends she was making. Sirius wanted to be there more than he had ever wanted anything, and he still had a whole year to go. Stupid birthday.

He kicked the tower again and watched it right itself. His mother was furious but as usual she was going to let his father dole out the consequences. Sirius was waiting for the lecture about muggles and their vile, disgusting, uncivilized ways. He'd heard it so many times before that he could probably give it to himself.

Sirius didn't understand what the big deal was about muggles, they seemed interesting from what he'd read in the magazine. Had all kinds of things that wizards didn't have. Sirius didn't mind that they couldn't do magic, it didn't seem like the muggles minded too much either. There was a light tap at his door and Sirius knew it would be Regulus coming in to talk to him. The door opened shyly, and his little brother crept into the room closing the door carefully behind him.

"You aren't supposed to be in here Reg." Sirius tried not too sound too irritated, Regulus's eyes were downcast and his face was all-over sad.

"I know." Regulus' voice was small and quiet, tragic in that way that only little brothers could manage. Sirius sighed and lay flat down on the bed with a soft thud and swung his eyes back to Regulus.

They looked a lot alike, Reg and him. Reg was smaller though, more delicate looking, and so pale you could see the little blue veins mapping out underneath his skin in places. They had the same dark hair, cut short the way their mother made them keep it. Their features were strong, defined and aristocratic, even as young children they had never had the normal baby pudge, that sort of thing, it seemed, had been carefully bred out of the Black family gene pool.

"You're going to get into trouble with mother." Sirius warned as Regulus sat down on the floor cross-legged and began building another tower to match the one Sirius had been kicking at.

"Father's just gotten home. He's eating but he'll be up soon enough." Regulus' voice was low and his eyes drifted across the rest of the room and back again without landing on Sirius once. "He's very angry."

"You were eavesdropping?" Sirius raised a single brow in surprise, Regulus was usually too shy to risk getting caught.

Regulus nodded his head solemnly, eyes never leaving his little tower.

"Well, out with it then. What did they say?" Sirius sat up smoothly, tucking his legs beneath him.

Regulus' breath rattled out in a long frustrated huff and Sirius shifted closer to the edge of the bed.

"Mother told him about the magazine, about how Kreacher found you looking at it and all." Regulus shifted again. "Father said that it was about time you learned your place."

"Don't get so worked up about it, Reg, father always says things like that. I've heard the speech a million times." Sirius tried to sound casual but the tragic look only deepened on his brother's features.

Regulus shook his head in a burst of near-violent movement and Sirius' brow creased as he noticed the tear falling down the boy's cheek. Sirius moved down to the floor and sat across from his brother.

"What's the matter Reg?" He could hear the fear creeping into his own voice.

"He…" Regulus looked up at Sirius for the first time and there was so much fear and sadness in his pale blue eyes that Sirius' heart began to pound in his chest. "He said…that since you don't listen…he'd just have to show you."

"Show me wha— " Sirius started speaking and then it all suddenly made sense, Reg's fear and tears, and the reason it was so hard to look at him. "Oh."

They sat in silence for a long time, there across from each other the blocks building and building upon themselves between them. It was a new thing, this true fear of their father's violence. Orion's anger was always something to dread. The man had a way of using words sharp enough to sting, but _this_, this threat that had always somehow lingered at the crescendo of the lecture, when Orion had seemed to reached his peak volume, had never actually felt like a threat, like a possibility.

When they heard heavy, purposeful, footsteps coming from the lower floor, Regulus' head shot up and he looked at Sirius with wild panic. Sirius reached out and took the smaller hand in his.

"Reg, listen to me. I'll be all right." Sirius met his brother's eyes, Regulus' blue clashing with his own near-silver gray. "You have to leave now and go to your room and stay there. Don't come out, okay? No matter what."

"But—" Regulus started to say as Sirius stood and pulled his brother to his feet.

"No, Reg. Go now before he finds you here." Sirius dropped his voice to a whisper and gripped his littler brother's fragile hand tightly. "Promise me you'll stay in your room until tomorrow."

Regulus didn't want to make the promise, he was still young enough to believe that there was something he could do.

"Please, Reg, for me." Sirius listened for the footsteps and placed them somewhere near the middle of the first flight of stairs.

"I…I promise." The younger boy finally, stuttered out.

"Good, now—go." Sirius pushed him toward the door and Regulus slipped out just as the footsteps were echoed on the second flight.

Sirius stared at the door and tried to imagine what he should be doing, but found he couldn't move his feet. So he stood, staring at the door, trying not to imagine what would happen when it opened. Orion Black was a large and imposing man, Sirius and Regulus had not gotten their build from him. His hair was dark black like his sons', he and Regulus shared the pale blue eyes.

There was no doubt he was strong, and Sirius was terrified about what Regulus had overheard. But still he stood staring at the door, something deep inside of him unwilling to hide, he raised his jaw ever so slightly, a small gesture of defiance that was so natural that he didn't even know he'd done it.

The shame his father tried to instill in him, the repentance he was after had come and passed after the first blow had thrown Sirius to the floor. It was replaced with a steadily building anger, and every strike after that had only stoked the fire.

Orion had come in proclaiming he would beat some Black family honor into the boy, and Sirius' silence had only further enraged the man. After a long time, Orion's own fists were raw and bloody and Sirius had struggled to stand once again at his father's command. Sirius knew that if he only cried out, begged for it to stop, apologized…anything of that sort, it would end.

But something deep inside of him, which he didn't fully understand, refused to allow any sound to come from his lips. He replayed Andy's letters in his head, letters where she talked about all the muggle-born friends she had, and all of the things they had told her and he refused to believe that she was lying, even in the face of his father's wrath.

Orion left, eventually, when his wife called him down. He turned toward the door throwing a handful of menacing words over his shoulder as he left. Sirius said nothing and waited until his father had closed the door behind him, with unexpected gentleness, and then allowed himself to sink slowly onto the bed.

Hours later, though Sirius could not be sure how long, he pushed himself up, his back pressing into the corner between the wall and his headboard. He did not cry, nor had he cried earlier, he hadn't shed a tear nor screamed out in pain even once and he wouldn't now. He sat with his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms wound tightly around them crushing his entire body together. There was a small cut above his left eye that had taken a long time to stop bleeding, and dark bruises were taking angry form around his eye and cheek and his nose had swollen so that he could only breath through his mouth in small pants. His ribs ached, as did his right wrist. But Sirius hardly felt the pain.

He did not know it then, but looking back later he would recognize how that night, sitting curled in the corner of his bed, he had watched out the window as the sunset on the last day of his childhood.

The morning of June 21st, found Sirius and Regulus at the breakfast table whispering quietly to each other about the things that young boys do, while their father read the Daily Prophet and their mother ordered the house elf about.

It was Sirius' birthday, and there was going to be a grand party. Everyone in the family was coming, and Sirius was far from excited about it. For reasons that they were never told, although Sirius could guess, Andy would not be here, and coupled with the fact that Bella would be only made Sirius more depressed.

Sirius was watching the window rather conspicuously and the minute he saw a brown owl heading in the direction of the house jumped up from his seat only to be scolded by his mother.

"Sit down Sirius!" Walburga's tone was booming and Sirius sat grumbling as he did so. "Kreacher fetch the mail."

Sirius waited, fidgeting, at once excited and nervous beyond anything he had ever felt. His eyes followed Kreacher as he returned and handed his mother the letter. His mother looked at it and then opened the thick envelope and read through the letter before handing it to his father. Sirius waited barely aware that he was holding his breath. When his father finally glanced at Sirius over the top of the letter Sirius was nearly bursting with his excitement.

"Well, hopefully they'll teach you the appropriate way to behave in Slytherin." His father's gruff voice rang out and Sirius let out a long breath. He picked up the letter his father had thrown carelessly on the table and stared at it with something akin to reverence.

"If I'm in Slytherin." He whispered, but not quietly enough. Orion's hand hit him with surprising force given their awkward position catty-corner from each other at the table, Sirius' eyes watered and he felt the familiar trickle of blood from his nose. He didn't move, only watched as a drop of blood landed over the headmistress's firm signature at the bottom of the page.

"You had better be." His father stood and Sirius flinched a little as Orion moved passed him and out of the room.

Sirius breathed slowly and cut his eyes over to Regulus who was begging him with his eyes not to respond.

"May I be excused?" Sirius asked carefully. He took his Mother's huff as permission and stood from the table and made his way back upstairs.

It had been months and months, and despite the pleading of both Regulus and Andy he couldn't seem to behave himself, or to make himself agree with the things his parents spouted off. Orion had grown more viscous as the months wore on, determined to break Sirius so that he could make him into the pureblood heir that he was supposed to be.

And yet, Sirius never cried out, and never crumbled. Now, as he sat heavily on the bed he looked at his letter from Hogwarts, nothing more than a welcoming letter and a list of supplies, but to Sirius it was everything, it was his way out.

The party was in full swing, people chatting and milling about. Sirius was in the den staring at the fire and trying to remain unseen. The house was full of the who's who of magical England._ Idiots the lot of them_, Sirius thought.

He had quietly followed his mother around for the first hour and allowed himself to be introduced and fawned over. He'd taken his opportunity to slip away when Bellatrix had come in with her new fiancé and drew everyone's attention. The whole thing was quite the perfect pureblood engagement and everyone wanted to know the details of the proposal and the upcoming wedding.

Kreacher had healed the superficial bruising and cuts so as to make Sirius presentable, not that pureblood society frowned upon beating your children. However, his mother had not wanted to explain why Orion had to discipline his heir. There was still a throbbing in Sirius' head that never seemed to go away anymore and his ribs ached when he breathed. Sirius could hear a volley of frustrated words in the hallway and tensed slightly when the door opened.

"Sirius!" Orion said loudly just shy of shouting. "What are you doing in here? There is a party out there in your honor and people are beginning to wonder where you got to!"

Sirius continued looking in the fire, so man people in the house provided a relative safety. "I don't feel like being honored."

There was a deadly tense silence and Orion's footsteps came closer. Sirius knew what was coming but he didn't flinch. He only waited.

Then, from nowhere, quiet but firm voice spoke. "Orion, I think you'd do well not to strike the boy."

Sirius' heart leapt and a strange way making his breath stutter out.

"Alphard, it is not your place to question my method of discipline." Orion bit out, anger burning in each syllable.

"On the contrary, Orion, do you forget that I am heir to Cygnus' line and it was I who paid Walburga's dowry?" Alphard's voice was calm but not without menace. "I will not have you causing scandal in such a public arena."

Silence fell again and Sirius didn't so much as let out a breath.

"Let the boy alone, Orion. It's his birthday."

No response came but one set of footsteps left the room and the door of the den shut with a click. Sirius let out a long breath and laid his head back on the chair.

"Happy birthday, Sirius." Alphard said as he came to sit in the chair across from him.

Alphard Black, looked as if he could have been Sirius' father, more so than even Orion. His hair was deep black spiced with strips of grey and hung around his shoulders in waves. His piercing grey eyes seemed at once suspicious and welcoming, his features were refined and angular. He was tall, lean, and somehow looked rugged without seeming tattered.

Sirius hadn't seen Alphard often, he was usually traveling around doing something important that Sirius didn't fully understand. He was most often out of the country but he would occasionally show up for the random holiday here and there.

"Thank you." Sirius said looking at him. "I didn't know you were coming."

Alphard laughed and it was a deep, warm sound. "Neither did your Mother, had her in quite a state when I turned up at the door."

Sirius smiled, he knew why his parents listened to Alphard and only mentioned his 'deplorable manners' in private. Alphard had lots of gold, not only the old family money but his own money, too. He was unmarried and didn't seem to have any plans to marry. Which meant, his gold was his to give as he saw fit in his will. If there was anything that mattered as much as blood status in the Black family, it was gold.

"Will you be staying long?" Sirius' slipped into the question out of habit and Alphard caught the tone with a warm laugh.

"Now, Sirius, I know we haven't spent a great deal of time together, but there is no need for the formality." Alphard responded with an easy grin, "But, I will be here through the summer."

Sirius nodded and glanced at Alphard catching the sudden crease in his uncle's brow.

"Sirius, I spoke with Regulus earlier." Alphard stared intently into his nephew's eyes. "He is worried for you."

Sirius only nodded. What was there to say really?

"My father was much the same." The older man said. "He swore he'd make me into the Black heir he wanted me to be."

Sirius looked at him and swallowed. "I don't want to be like my father."

Alphard nodded.

"I hate this place, and this family." Sirius was being reckless, he knew, and looked at Alphard with a tinge of fear for how his comment would be received.

"As did I, when I was younger." Alphard ran a hand across his hair, lips turning into a deep frown.

They sat in silence for several minutes staring into the flames before Alphard finally stood.

"You are much stronger and braver than I was at your age, Sirius." Alphard put his hand on Sirius' shoulder as he passed. "And for that, I am proud to call you my nephew."

A few weeks later, Sirius and Regulus were upstairs in Sirius' bedroom playing Aurors and Dark Creatures when they heard shouting from the lower floor. They looked at each other before making their way quietly out onto the landing.

"I don't see the concern here, he's going to be leaving for Hogwarts shortly, why shouldn't he have a little vacation?" Alphard's voice echoed up the stairwell.

"Alphard, he's got tutoring and…" Walburga said with surprising humility.

"Oh, he's been tutored from the time he could speak. He'll be at school soon enough." Alphard responded flippantly.

"He's my son! And I will do with him as I see fit." Orion's voice boomed and Regulus flinched. "I don't need him off gallivanting with you in your flat in the middle of the slums!"

"Be wary, Orion, I know well enough that your father squandered the better part of your fortune." Alphard fired back. "You may not like it, and for that matter neither do I, but we all know Walburga's dowry is about down to its last draw and you won't get any assistance from Lucretia's husband."

Silence fell, and then Alphard spoke again. "I'll pick him up next Monday, and I will return him the week before he leaves for Hogwarts."

Sirius and Regulus hurried back into the bedroom as Alphard took his leave. Once they were inside Sirius could not stop the grin that covered his face.

"I'm going to stay with Uncle Alphard!" He nearly shouted but he caught the sad look on Regulus' face. "Aw, Reg, I bet he'll take you next summer before you go to school."

This cheered his younger brother a bit, "I'll miss you though."

"I'll miss you too, but I'll write you loads of letters. I promise." Sirius said.

Regulus smiled but before he could say anything, the door swung open and banged against the wall, revealing a red-faced and looming Orion.

"Get out!" Orion shouted at Regulus who turned and looked at Sirius. "I said GO!"

Regulus left quickly only glancing back at Sirius for a moment, apology written on his features.

"Your Uncle has requested that you stay with him for the summer." Orion said coldly.

Sirius nodded.

"You'll be gone for two months and we can't have you forgetting where your place is, Alphard Black be damned." Orion said and stepped closer to Sirius.

Sirius was still all-over bruises and painfully sore as he put the last of his clothing into his trunk and forced it closed. He glanced around the room one last time and then sat down on his bed. There came a soft knock on the door and Regulus came in he sitting down beside Sirius without a word.

"What am I supposed to do all summer without you?" He asked his pale blue eyes watery and already full of loneliness.

"You'll be all right," Sirius said. "It'll probably be better around here without me to get you into trouble all the time."

Regulus looked unconvinced and opened his mouth to argue but was interrupted by a loud call from down stairs.

"Sirius! Your Uncle is here to fetch you!" His mother's shrill words echoed as Sirius jumped from his place on the bed and pulled Regulus into a quick hug.

"It'll be all right. I'll owl you and tell you everything I'm doing." Sirius smiled at him and drug his trunk along behind him as he made his way out the door.

His trunk made a loud 'thump' every time it hit a stair, Sirius was nearly bouncing with bottled joy. He came around the foyer and saw Alphard standing there and shot him a wide smile. His stomach dropped when Alphard's features darkened.

"How do you expect me to take him around public like this?" He boomed and Sirius stepped back his hand automatically going to the side of his face where a dark purple bruise from a few nights before had just started to yellow at the edges. Sirius hung his head, for a moment, afraid he wouldn't be allowed to go.

"Well, I…he's unruly, Alphard." His mother said with none of her trademark steel.

"Damn it all, Walburga! He's a child! He's supposed to be unruly." Alphard approached Sirius and knelt in front of him lifting his chin up to examine the mark a little closer. "Honestly, why haven't you healed this by now? Or are you and your husband quite that inept that you can't manage the simple charm?"

Walburga's face had whitened and there was the telltale tension around her lips that Sirius was used to having directed at him. "Alphard! Really, such language!"

Alphard only shook his head and pulled out his wand, he did a small circular wave just above his skin and Sirius felt a tiny moment of heat before the muscles in his face seemed to relax. He reached his hand and touched it finding the soreness gone.

He grinned up at his Uncle, who responded with a slightly lopsided smile of his own.

"Very well. You all set there, Sirius?" He said as he straightened out his long limbs.

Sirius nodded and then followed his uncle toward the door taking once last glance to where Regulus stood looking at him from between the railing of the stairs. He waved to him and walked outside the dark foyer of Grimmald Place and into the light of London at mid-day.

Sirius followed behind Alphard quietly pulling his trunk along the ground, he was still a bit on the small side and the trunk was heavy but he was too happy to care. Once they got a ways down the block Alphard turned and his eyes landed on Sirius and he frowned.

"I'm sorry, Sirius, let me help you with that." Alphard took the handle from Sirius and set the trunk down before shrinking it and putting it in his pocket. He laughed a little at the wide-eyed expression on Sirius' face. "So, I've got a bit of a thrill for you."

Sirius smiled widely his eyebrows raised. "What is it?"

"We're going to ride the underground." Alphard said watching carefully.

"With the muggles?" Sirius nearly shouted and Alphard nodded. "Wicked."

Sirius' eyes were round as they made their way into the underground station, he watched the muggles particularly the way they were dressed and glanced at his own formal trousers with a frown.

Alphard caught the longing on the boy's face and smiled to himself. "Don't worry much about it, I'll take you shopping if you'd like"

Sirius' eyes lit up and there was a definite bounce to his step. When the doors opened to allow them onto the train Sirius entered with a look of awe. Alphard sat down in one of the hard plastic chairs while Sirius turned in small circles in the center of the train, trying to take it all in.

"You'll want to grab hold of one of those poles, there Sirius." Alphard said and Sirius spun around the question already forming on his lips when the train gave a sudden lurch and Sirius fell flat. There was a moment of silence and then Sirius began to laugh and laugh and Alphard couldn't help but join in. Sirius picked himself up gripping the pole tightly as the train plummeted forward.

The walk from the station to Alphard's flat was filled with Sirius' non-stop questions. Questions about everything he saw, questions about why muggles did the things they did, and Alphard thought about each answer before giving it. For the first time that Sirius could remember, an adult was talking to him as though what he asked and said was important.

Alphard's apartment was deep in the city, and Sirius was pretty sure they were the only Wizards around for a great distance. He remembered his father saying that Alphard lived in the slums, which meant that he lived with the muggles. They took the lift to his apartment, which delighted Sirius to no end, and came to a floor where there was only a single door.

The door was made from heavy metal and made a loud clunk as Alphard pulled it open. The layout was wide open, with walls only separating off the bedrooms and bathroom. Large windows gave a beautiful view of the city and Sirius stood in the middle of the hardwood floor unable to remove the smile from his face. Alphard brought Sirius to the guest room and unshrunk his trunk for him before going to the master bedroom himself.

Sirius wandered out of the guestroom and snooped around the living area. Photographs adorned the walls. Most of them were of Alphard from the many different places he had traveled, but for one picture of Alphard, Sirius and Regulus that looked to have been taken at one of the many Black Family gatherings several years past. Sirius wandered over to a large bookshelf that took up nearly an entire wall and read the titles. He was about to pull down The Most Valuable Hexes Known, when he heard Alphard's door open, he spun quickly to face him an apology on it's way across his lips when he stopped staring at Alphard who had changed from his formal robes to a pair of muggle jeans and a light blue button up shirt.

"I was thinking we'd stop by the pub down the street for dinner, my cooking is atrocious." Alphard smiled and then took in Sirius' appearance. "Well, perhaps we should get you some clothing first."

Sirius nodded absently wondering what his father would do when he found out Sirius had been wearing muggle clothing.

He pulled open the door to Alphard's flat, and it all looked exactly the same as it had the last time he had been here. Nothing was out of place, nothing different. He looked at the photographs that Alphard had collected of the two of them which now hung on the walls. Them together, Sirius alone, always in their muggle clothes, at a fair, in a muggle photo booth, and on and on.

The muggle stores were completely different than the ones he'd seen in Diagion Alley. They were packed full of people, everyone talking with each other, women milling about choosing clothes from wide racks. Alphard lounged on the counter talking with the young girl behind it. Sirius looked at them briefly before wandering around the shop touching various articles of clothing. There were so many styles, shirts with words or pictures on them. Sirius wondered if they had these things in the wizard world but that his parents simply wouldn't allow it.

"Interesting stuff isn't it?" Alphard came up from behind Sirius. "I had no idea about all of this until much, much later in my life. Purebloods have a way of blocking everything else out."

Sirius nodded understanding only some of what Alphard was really saying. The young woman from the counter approached them blushing at Alphard.

"Your son looks just like you." She said her voice sweet and open. "Both of you handsome devils, for sure."

Sirius smiled up at the woman and Alphard chuckled. Sirius had never felt so proud in his life. The woman decided to make herself their personal escort and led Sirius by the hand around the shop pulling things off the shelves by threes and fours.

Then she ushered them back to the dressing room. Sirius tried on what seemed like hundreds of clothes shirts, and jeans, and jumpers. At first he was shy coming out to show the his uncle and the pretty blonde woman, but amongst their applause and laughter Sirius found a silliness and dramatic side to him that had been long repressed in the dark corridors of Grimmauld place. Soon enough, he was strutting about and winking at other customers.

By the time they left Alphard had needed to shrink four bags full of muggle clothing. Sirius, in the end, wore dark blue jeans, and a button-up shirt blue to match his uncles, and brand new black combat-style boots. Their similar appearance caused many smiles from those they passed by. They made their way to a nearby pub and were seated at a small round table in the back.

Sirius' eyes roamed eagerly over the pictures on the wall of all the different muggle sports while he and Alphard waited to be served. After a few minutes, an older man with splotches of white hair and an apron around his waist approached with a wide grin and Alphard stood to shake his hand. The older man looked to Sirius and there was an amused twinkle in his eyes.

"Cloned yourself have you then, Al?" His voice was rough and scratchy.

"Derrick, this is my nephew Sirius." He said and Sirius stood like Alphard had and offered his hand.

"Well, look at that proper gentleman he is." He said with a smile. "What can I get you gents this evening?"

Sirius smiled widely and ordered a hamburger and chips while his uncle ordered some sort of pasta. Alphard had ordered both Sirius and himself a soda, promising Sirius that he would enjoy it.

"So, Sirius, what do you think of my little corner of the world?" He asked and Sirius smiled again.

"I love it, these muggles are so nice." Sirius said happily. "I don't understand why wizards hate them so much."

Alphard shrugged, "They're just people, like us. Some kind and others not. They go about their lives."

Sirius nodded trying to look wise and understanding, as a waitress returned placing large glasses of a dark colored liquid in front of each of them and flashed a smile at Alphard. Sirius looked at it closely and raised his eyebrows at the tiny bubbles that appeared at the surface.

"It's bubbling, Uncle Alphard." Sirius said looking concerned, "Maybe it's got a potion in it."

"No, no. Just try it." Alphard said and when Sirius didn't move rolled his eyes and took a long drink from his glass. Carefully Sirius lifted the glass to his lips and took a drink. It was like melted candy, sweet and cool. Sirius had four glasses and had to find the loo before their food had arrived.

The first week passed quickly for Sirius, he and Alphard spent their days wandering the streets of muggle London, watching the people, listening to the street musicians and shopping. If Sirius so much as looked at something for longer than a minute Alphard was in the store to buy it, already Sirius had a fair amount of muggle clothing, trinkets and toys. But, for Sirius, it wasn't the clothes or the toys that made him so completely happy, it was that they talked. Sirius had never talked so much in his life, and for the first time he was learning to argue back in a conversation, to make his point, to make jokes, to really laugh.

They were having lunch at Derrick's pub again the following Monday, Sirius was sipping down his third soda and dramatically re-telling the story of a man he had seen doing a mime act out in the square earlier. Alphard laughed as Sirius waved his arms around and bounced on his chair. The waitress came back with a grin for Sirius and a blush for Alphard and placed their orders on the table.

"Anything else I can do for you?" She asked with a wink.

"No, Liza, thank you." Alphard said. He watched Sirius for a moment as Sirius shoveled the food into his mouth. "Sirius."

Sirius brought his head up and smiled. "Yea?"

"I have a bit of an errand to run after lunch," Alphard said between bites of spaghetti. "You can come if you'd like or you can stay at the flat."

Sirius tilted his head to the side. "What is it?"

"I have to stop at a friends house and pick something up." Alphard responded, "Come to think of it they have a little boy about your age."

Sirius raised his eyebrows and a smile graced his face for a minute before his eyes dropped to his place and his features darkened.

"What's the matter?" Alphard asked.

"It isn't the Malfoy's is it?" Sirius asked quietly.

"No, no." Alphard said laughing, "Potters. Their son's name is James, I believe."

"He's never come to the parties." Sirius said his brow's creasing.

"No, he wouldn't." Alphard responded. "They're not your mum's sort."

Sirius took another large bite of hamburger and the crease between his eyebrows got deeper.

"They're not purebloods then?" Sirius asked cautiously.

Alphard took a deep breath and shook his head. "They are, actually. But they don't believe the same things as our family."

"How do you mean?" Sirius asked.

"Well, I'm not sure. I suppose they're like you and I. They don't mind muggles and all that. They're just a bit more vocal about it." Alphard responded.

"So they tell people they like muggles then?" Sirius asked.

Alphard nodded finishing the last of his meal.

"Do you suppose they would say it even to my father?"

"I suppose if they were asked they would." Alphard stifled a laugh at Sirius' wide-eyed reaction.

"Whoa." Sirius responded.

The Potter's lived just outside of London, in a quiet little neighborhood where all of the houses were painted bright colors. The house was modest in size, but still larger than the average London family home. Sirius was still a little unsteady after the side-along apparation due to the constant throbbing in his ribs.

As they made their way up the walk to the front of the house, Sirius took in the large cement lions that seemed to be guarding the front door. As they passed them the lions turned toward the guests and bowed, gracefully dipping their stone heads to the ground. Sirius let Alphard go in front of them, hoping he could get a good look at the Potters before coming face to face with them.

The door opened and Sirius caught a glimpse of very large shoes. He was in the process of trying to determine exactly how large of a man, wore such shoes when Alphard stepped back and Sirius' eyes widened.

"Sirius, this is Harold, Harold my nephew Sirius Black." Alphard said smiling down at Sirius.

Harold Potter took up nearly the entire doorway, his wide shoulders barely left an inch on either side. He was larger than Orion but only just, and it was there that the similarities ended. Harold had warm brown eyes that crinkled at the edges, his features were strong and wide, in comparison with Alphard's more delicate aristocratic ones. His hair was a dark shade of brown and stuck out every which way.

"Well, hello Sirius! Alphard didn't mention he would be bringing you along. James will be pleased to have someone to play with." Harold's voice boomed but it didn't frighten Sirius the way you'd expect.

"Hello, Sir." Sirius offered his hand out, Harold smiled wide and shook his hand.

"Certainly has manners, which is more than I can say for James, I'm afraid." Harold spoke over a light chuckle as he led them inside the house. "Perhaps, you'll rub off on him a bit."

Harold led them through the house, which while clearly upper class, was not stiff and unwelcoming in the way that Grimmauld place was. It felt lived in, as if it were a home instead of the pureblood museum that his parent's house was. They came out the back door onto a bright and airy patio where a woman with beautiful raven hair and such small features that she could have easily passed for a member of Sirius' own family. While Alphard leant over and placed a kiss on the woman's cheek, Sirius glanced around looking for this 'James' that his uncle had told him about.

"Sirius, this is Avaline, Avaline this is my nephew Sirius." Alphard gestured from one to the other.

Avaline stood and knelt a little to come even with Sirius, who was suddenly shy in the face of her beautiful dark eyes. "You are certainly handsome. Please call me Ava."

Sirius blushed at her soft voice and smile.

"James is just around the side of the house, darling." She whispered and pushed him gently. "He's trying out the new training broom Harold purchased for him."

Sirius looked at Alphard who nodded his encouragement. Sirius left the adults chatting behind him and moved slowly in the direction Mrs. Potter had pointed him. As he came around the house he found a boy on a broomstick, hovering about six feet off the ground tossing a quaffle up into the air and catching it again.

Sirius moved cautiously toward him. The boy was about Sirius' height, if not a bit shorter, his hair dark like his mother's and wild like his father's. They stood in silence for a couple of minutes, they were too young and too curious to be anything but facinated and after a moment the boy, James, dropped off his broom and came toward Sirius.

Sirius noticed the boy's muggle clothing first, a black t-shirt that read 'It wasn't me!' written across the chest in small block letters, a pair of dirty blue jeans and trainers. He noted that behind the thick rimmed round glasses, he seemed to have a darker version of his father's bright blue eyes. Sirius grew bored in the silence and held out his hand.

"I'm Sirius Black." He said automatically and smiled in relief when the boy took his outstretched hand and pumped it enthusiastially.

"James Potter." The other boy said with a smile of his own, "How come you're here?"

"My uncle Alphard came to see your folks." Sirius said. "I'm staying with him for the summer."

James nodded the goofy grin still plastered on his face. "You like quidditch?"

And that was how it started, James brought out his older broom and then insisted Sirius use the newer one. They spent a long time tossing the quaffle back and forth and commenting on their own plays as they tossed them through the makeshift rings James' father had put up.

Not much later, they were rooting around in the kitchen for something to eat when they heard voices coming from the hallway. James gave Sirius a sly look and motioned with his head toward the hallway. Sirius shrugged and followed him, they came quietly up to the door, which was partially cracked and peaked in. Sirius' eyes widened as he took in the scene.

Alphard, Harold and Ava sat at the table near the center of the room. Alphard had his sleeve rolled up above his elbow and lain across the table toward where Ava sat. In Ava's hand was a strange thing that Sirius had never seen, it seemed to be a vial of potion that had a sharp point to it at one end. She fingered it carefully and looked concerned.

"Alphard, You know that this is risky." Ava said quietly. "There is a reason St. Mungos doesn't allow potions to be administered this way."

"I know." Alphard said and the depressed tone of his voice startled Sirius.

"I just…" Ava started to say before breaking off and looking to her husband.

Alphard shook his head. "We've tried everything else, none of it is working. You showed me your research. I understand the risks and also that there is no guarantee. But if you can buy me just a little time, there are many things I still need to do."

Ava sighed heavily and even from their distance, Sirius could see her eyes grow wet with unshed tears. "You're right, you're right. I'm sorry. It's just, I've been seeing you for nearly four years now. You've become a friend and I just…"

Alphard took her hand in his. "I know. To be honest when I first approached you about taking on my case personally, I was a little unsure about all of this. But, you all have become like family to me."

Harold wrapped his arm around his wife and gave a gentle squeeze. Ava took another deep breath and then gripping Alphard's arm, stuck him with the sharp end forcing a sharp his from between Alphard's clenched teeth.

Sirius didn't realize he'd closed his yes until James poked him. When Sirius looked at his new friend he found that he wasn't the only one who was confused by what they had seen.

"Now…"Ava's voice carried over to them and they turned back to the room. "I want to talk about Sirius, you really should let me look him over…if it's as bad as you say—"

Sirius pulled James away from the door as fast as he could. Once they were back in the kitchen and away from the voices Sirius tried to distract him with questions.

"What were they talking about? What was that stuff your mom had?" Sirius asked in a rush. James poured Sirius and himself a glass of pumpkin juice and sat down on the stool next to him.

"I don't know for sure. My mum's a healer, so maybe it was some sort of potion." James said glancing back at the door wondering if they were going to be found out. "What about all that stuff about needing more time?"

Sirius frowned. "I don't know. Alphard travels for his job sometimes. Maybe he's planning on going somewhere after the summer's out and needs protection from taking ill."

James' brow creased. "Oh yeah, he's a curse breaker—he helps out with the Ministry sometimes."

Silence fell between them, neither of them able to come up with any better explanation nor completely convinced by the one they had.

That conversation was forgotten not longer after it had occurred. Sirius and James made fast friends and spent most of the summer holiday together either at James' or Alphard's homes. They never tried to listen in on Alphard's conversations with James' parents again, instead they talked endlessly about quidditch and all of the most unimportant things that seemed to be all that mattered.

By the time Sirius had to leave and return to Grimmauld Place, Sirius and James were best friends and had made solemn vows of such. Alphard and Sirius had spent equally as much time together as had James and Sirius, and Sirius had begged Alphard to just let him stay through until the start of school. Alphard had looked at him with a steady sadness and explained that he had to take him home, but that if ever Sirius would need him all he had to do was send an owl.

Over the next years, Sirius would do just that. He would send off a hastily scrawled note to Alphard when things got particularly hard over the winter holidays during his first year at Hogwarts, and without fail Alphard would show up at Grimmauld Place, threatening his father and admonishing his mother and taking Sirius away to his flat. Summer of third year, Sirius would be picked up by Alphard at King's Cross and notice his uncle's pale complexion and thinness, but when Sirius questions, Alphard would only brush it off as nothing more than a cold. Sirius would believe him, if only because being young, he believed his uncle to be invincible. Alphard had become, in a way, both a surrogate father and an older brother.

_London 1975 (Present Day)_

Sirius Black had been told (often by Remus Lupin), that he let his emotions lead him and as a result his actions were often reckless and irrational. As Sirius sat in the den at Grimmauld place listening to his father lecture on about all of the things he should say and do and how important it was that Uncle Alphard thought well of him and his parents, especially now, he was _trying _harder than ever to be rational.

Sirius had gone back to Grimmauld Place, only because it was easier to let his father talk at him than to bear the brunt of his anger if he didn't. As always the house was dark and haunted, it was the prison that Sirius could never seem to fully escape, even now, he had changed so much and yet that place had not. His parents had not, he wanted so badly to leave, like he always had. But his father continued on, with no sympathy in his voice, no sadness to his expression and his mother sat in stony silence at his side while Orion preached at him about how just this once Sirius could live up to his duty and do what needed to be done. Sirius had never wanted to hit his father more in his life, but he kept his head and thought of other things.

Sirius slouched in the wing-back chair facing the fire in the den, letting memories wash over him with a sense of subdued pain. One thing Sirius had always known was the many shades of pain that existed in the world. Right now, it was so much easier for him to feel the distant pain of dark memories than the more present and forceful pain of today.

Sirius wanted desperately to talk with Regulus about this, to confide in him his guilt and his sorrow. But like Sirius, Regulus had changed and there was nothing to be said between them anymore. Sirius wondered if it wasn't his own fault, if he hadn't spent his summers away with Alphard, if maybe he could have saved his younger brother from what he had become. But it was a battle lost, and Sirius could not undo it. He looked at his brother who sat with perfect posture and a blank expression on his face and thought about all of the regrets he had and all the things he hadn't noticed until it was too late.

He was in a daze, exhausted and half-caught by his own memories as he made his way toward Alphard's flat two hours later. It was a familiar route, and one shaded with so many reminders that it made his heart ache with every beat. When he let himself into the flat he could hardly breathe through the clutter of his own emotions.

He pulled open the door to Alphard's flat, and it all looked exactly the same as it had the last time he had been here. Nothing was out of place, nothing different. He looked at the photographs that Alphard had collected of the two of them which now hung on the walls. Them together, Sirius alone, always in their muggle clothes, at a fair, in a muggle photo booth, and on and on.

In the kitchen, he took a cup down barely thinking about his actions, he didn't have to think about where things were kept he knew this place far too well. He reached into a cabinet and pulled a bottle of half-full Firewhiskey and poured a good measure into the glass. All the while, these bittersweet memories played across his mind like a muggle film and he drank down harsh gulps of the burning liquid just to have an excuse for the building wetness in his eyes.

Finally, Sirius checked the clock on the wall, visiting hours would start in only five minutes. He took the underground to The Leaky Cauldron where he flooed to St. Mungo's.

Sirius' heavy boots made loud echoes as he moved down the nearly empty hall and toward the room the receptionist had directed him to. He stood outside the door for a moment taking a breath before pushing it open and letting it swing closed behind him with a resounding 'click'.

Alphard lay in a bed at the end of the room, surrounded by expensive looking flowers and a great many gifts. Sirius approached slowly taking the sight of his uncle in. He had last seen Alphard over this past summer, and was shocked at the change that little over six months had brought. Alphard's eyes were closed and sunken into the purpled skin that surrounded them, his skin was pale and slightly yellowed. His body, which had once been muscular and lithe now seemed lanky and incredibly frail. Sirius sat down in the chair beside the bed and barely took a breath. He didn't want to wake him, but Alphard had demanded Sirius come as soon as possible.

After a few moments, Alphard turned his head and opened his eyes. Sirius was a little startled by the way his grey eyes seemed too pale, as if the life was being slowly drained from them.

"Hey, Uncle Al." Sirius said quietly, his voice uneven. Alphard smiled a little.

"Sirius. I'm so glad you came." Alphard's voice was soft and rough, and full of pain.

Sirius smiled at him as best he could. "Of course, I would."

Alphard nodded slightly and then coughed a deep and wheezing sound that made Sirius' own chest ache.

"I don't have much time left, Sirius." Alphard pulled himself up slowly to a sitting position. Sirius leaned over and helped tuck some pillows behind his back. "I'm so sorry, that I never told you before."

Sirius shook his head, "It's okay."

Alphard picked up a glass of water from the side-table in his shaking hand and took a long drink. "I'm so sorry to be leaving you, Sirius. You will never know, how truly sorry I am."

Sirius shook his head again and made to speak but Alphard lifted one bony hand to stop him.

"I wish that I had been there sooner, that I had spent more time with you when you were younger." Alphard wheezed again but continued on speaking. "But I…was selfish, I wanted to experience life and more than anything I wanted away from that damn family. I failed you in my selfishness."

This time Sirius spoke before he could be stopped. "Don't think that, Al, you saved me, you came just when I needed you the most. You always came."

Alphard sighed and smiled at him. "You Sirius, give an old man's soul some peace."

Sirius didn't know what to say to this, he looked away instead.

"I wanted to tell you some things…" Alphard spoke placing his hand over Sirius', "And when I'm finished we won't speak of my sickness or my death anymore. I would like for you to stay with me if you could until it is done."

Sirius nodded, tears pricking the back of his eyes. "I'll stay, I couldn't go now, for anything."

Alphard squeezed Sirius' hand in his.

"I never wanted children, I was never much a fan of responsibility, and then when I found out I was ill…I realized I had nothing of value in my life." Alphard leaned back and looked at the ceiling, "The truth is, you saved _me_ that first summer, gave me a reason to keep on surviving this dreadful disease. And I was never so proud of anything I'd done, as I was when people assumed you were my son."

Sirius swallowed and could not speak.

"You with your youth, and curiosity. Your joy, despite everything…you are so brave, so strong." Alphard smiled at him and it was wide and real despite the pain in his voice. "And when I was around you, you reminded me of how I should have been, the kind of person I wish I had been strong enough to be."

Sirius nodded as tears threatened to pour out.

"I am proud of you, Sirius. For all that you have accomplished, the person you have become. My only regret is that I will not be here to see the great man I know that you will be." Alphard was silent for a moment, his breathing labored. "Will you promise me something?"

"Anything." Sirius said in a watery breath.

"Promise me, Sirius, that you will never back down, and never give in to what others believe you should do or be or think. Promise me that you will still be full of fire and laughter, and that you won't let my passing take that from you. Promise me that you'll give them hell when they try and break you down, that you'll fight back, because I never did."

"I promise." Sirius said and tried desperately to believe that he could do all of it, be all of it.

Alphard nodded a soft smile on the edges of his lips. " I have left a significant enough portion of gold to your parents in my will, enough to get them through. The rest I have left to you, along with my flat, which has been paid off. I want you to get out of that house as soon as you can, and live your life the way you see fit."

"I will." Sirius promised and Alphard sighed and leaned back against the pillows.

"Now," Alphard said tiredly, "Tell me about your James and his little red head, are they still fighting like banshees?"

Alphard died four days later with Sirius at his side. Sirius had not left St. Mungo's once in that time, and he was the only visitor allowed access to Alphard's room. Others had come, all the remaining Blacks who were hell-bent on manipulating their way into his will, but the healers held firm to their patient's request and Sirius alone kept the dying man company.

When he died, there was no warning that it was coming. Alphard's condition had been on a steady decline, but there was no sudden coughing fit or struggle to breath. No, Alphard had gone quietly into death as Sirius was chatting aimlessly about his desire to buy a motorbike. One minute he was listening to Sirius list off all the charms he would place on the bike and the next he was simply no longer speaking, no longer breathing, no longer _there_.

Alphard had already arranged all of the funeral plans, and the goblin in charge of his estate had overseen the whole thing. The day of the funeral, James and his parents, along with Remus, Peter, and the whole of the Black family stood outside in the drizzling rain watching as his body was entombed.

Sirius had not cried that day, instead, he had felt a desperate cold seeping into him. He looked to where his parents stood with Regulus their eyes full of anger at what they deemed Alphard's parting slight.

Sirius knew that he changed that day, and when he returned to Grimmauld Place, he welcomed his father's abuse, because at the very least feeling the physical pain, reminded him that the numbness that had enveloped him was not all encompassing.

He would return to Hogwarts, a week late for the Spring term of his fifth year and he would do what he could to live up to the things he had promised Alphard.`


	2. Let it Be

Sirius had to return to Hogwarts today there was no avoiding it. And so, he had gone to Alphard's flat, _his flat now_, with the intention of simply making sure that it was safely closed up for the term. His portkey was set to leave at three that afternoon , Sirius had the candy wrapper in his pocket and it weighed heavily on him. At Grimmauld Place, he was able to confine himself to his room, with only his father coming occasionally to let off some of his anger. Hogwarts would be different, he would have to deal with James, and Peter, and Remus.

Sirius knew how it would go, he knew his friends far too well. James would ask him a million questions and do any amount of ridiculous things to try and make some of the spark come back into his best mate. Peter would bumble around and be overly helpful in a decidedly unhelpful way. But it was Remus who concerned him most, Remus who would do none of the asking or the joking or the helping. Remus who would just sit, and watch Sirius and wait. Because Remus knew Sirius, better than anyone, better than James or Peter and maybe even better than Alphard had. Remus would say nothing until the damn silence drove Sirius insane.

Sirius, stood in the middle of the open living area, which was bright and airy and full of his dead uncle's things. And he stared, little ghosts of memories dancing over everything. Sirius felt a supreme and defining sort of anger well up inside of him, and he wanted nothing more than to destroy the entire place, burn it down. But he couldn't, this was all he had left of Alphard.

He moved to the shelf full of records that he and Alphard had populated between them. Having spent countless hours in muggle record stores, they had touched on nearly every branch of music and they had lived in music when Sirius was here for the summers and even in their letters. It was often a game of theirs, when things got particularly hard for Sirius or even for Alphard that one would ask: "What's your song today?" and the other would stand in front of the shelf and find the song and play it and they would listen together, and they would understand that the song was saying all the words that their lives, and their pain, and their pride could never let them speak.

Sirius ran his hand over the records gently, reverently, and then glanced at the record player to see what his uncle had been listening to. And his heart skipped a beat at the little folded piece of paper that lay over the record, the words in the familiarly curling and aristocratic writing read: _This is your song today. Listen, and believe. _

Sirius picked up the paper and looked at the record, which had already been set about halfway through, The Beatles. Of course he would pick The Beatles, Alphard had always said that Sirius didn't appreciate them enough. Sirius smiled in spite of himself and started the player. He sat on Alphard's sofa and lit a cigarette as the song played out to him.

_When I find myself in times of trouble_

_Mother Mary comes to me_

_Speaking words of wisdom, let it be._

_And in my hour of darkness_

_She is standing right in front of me_

_Speaking words of wisdom, let it be._

_Let it be, let it be._

_Whisper words of wisdom, let it be._

Sirius had not cried at any point in his life that he could remember, he had not shed at tear when his father struck him, when his mother said the most awful things she could to him. He had not cried when Regulus had for the first time in their lives as brothers told Sirius that he deserved as much as he got.

_And when the broken hearted people_

_Living in the world agree,_

_There will be an answer, let it be._

_For though they may be parted there is_

_Still a chance that they will see_

_There will be an answer, let it be._

_Let it be, let it be. Yeah_

_There will be an answer, let it be._

He had not cried during the four days that he spent alone in Alphard's hospital room, he had not cried at the funeral. But here, alone in this flat, with The Beatles singing such haunting words, words from the person Sirius had loved more than he had ever loved, the last words, the final say, like Alphard always said he would have.

_And when the night is cloudy,_

_There is still a light that shines on me,_

_Shine on until tomorrow, let it be._

_I wake up to the sound of music_

_Mother Mary comes to me_

_Speaking words of wisdom, let it be._

_Let it be, let it be._

_There will be an answer, let it be._

_Let it be, let it be,_

_Whisper words of wisdom, let it be_

In the midst of all of these things that meant everything because they were all that was left, but in reality were nothing at all, nothing but things, things that held no real trace of his uncle, in the middle of all of this listening to the goddamn _Beatles, _Sirius cried and cried. He cried as the record played on past Alphard's song, cried as it fell off the track once it had ended. He couldn't make it stop. When his pocket vibrated and he reached in to retrieve the portkey, and when he found himself on his knees in Dumbledore's office he was still crying, and he had no sense of anything but a fearful loneliness that he did not believe would ever go away.

Sirius' breaths were coming in short pants and the tears streamed down his face one after another and he could not rise to his feet, and he could not apologize to his Headmaster for the scene he was causing. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder but was surprised at the voice that followed.

"Shall I fetch Mr. Potter for you?" the voice was familiar but the tone was out of place and Sirius turned to see Professor McGonagall looking at him with something like heartbreak written on her features. Sirius shook his head, once, twice.

"Please don't." Sirius said roughly when he finally calmed enough to speak. The usually strict Professor's brow creased and her hand remained on his shoulder.

"All right, but we'll need to get you to the infirmary." She said, a bit of her firmness creeping in. And Sirius simply nodded.

It was for the best, Sirius knew what he looked like at the moment. His lip was swollen, dark bruises decorated his left check and up and down his arms. There was a small cut just under his right eye and his ribs were aching again.

"We'll wait until the class period starts so that we can make the trek in private." Sirius nodded his appreciation. "There is a bathroom through there, if you'd like to put yourself in order."

Sirius stood as she did and moved off in the direction of the bathroom. He opened the door he had never noticed before and entered. The room was not particularly ornate, it was a simple bathroom much like those in the dormitories. Sirius approached the sink but didn't look into the mirror, unfortunately that did not mean the mirror was not looking at him.

"You're in a right state, Dear boy." The mirror spoke out brashly, "Whatever happened?"

Sirius ignored it and turned on the faucet and splashed several handfuls of ice-cold water on his face. He took a towel from the rack and dried his face and finally looked at his reflection. He let out a sigh, aside from the obvious injuries his eyes were ringed with red and bloodshot.

By the time he returned to the office class had begun and Sirius and McGonagall made their way through the empty hallways.

"Who's teaching your class Professor?" Sirius asked to interrupt the suffocating silence.

"The Headmaster is in the lesson," McGonagall said. "It is his favorite subject."

Sirius nodded absently as they made their way up the final staircase. They continued in silence to the door of the infirmary, but before Sirius could push the door open, McGonagall spoke.

"Sirius, should you ever find the need." She said her voice as firm and professional as it ever had been, but her eyes giving way to a unfamiliar softness. "Know this, neither I nor the Headmaster are afraid of the Black name."

Sirius nodded and without any verbal response pushed his way into the infirmary, leaving Professor McGonagall and her words behind him.

*

Sirius was back in the dorm unpacking what few things he had taken with him and trying to prepare himself for the arrival of his friends. He checked the mirror and noted that, as always, Madam Pomfrey had erased all of his father's hard work. He ran a hand through his hair, which was short and lay neatly even after he attempted to muss it up.

He took in the whole of his appearance and hated it. On the surface he was a Black, perfectly groomed and looking perfectly respectable in the slacks and robes his father had demanded he wear. He picked up his wand and twirled it in his hand before pointing it at his hair.

"_Prolato" _He whispered and watched as his hair grew longer and longer until it fell in heavy dark waves at his shoulders. "_Finite." _

He took in his new look and for a moment was startled by his reflection because with such the minor change, he looked so much like Alphard that it was almost like seeing a ghost. He moved to his trunk and pulled out a small box that he had taken from Alphard's flat. Inside it held a mismatched collection of jewelry. Alphard had told him, that when he was about Sirius' age he had bought it all and worn it one day just to anger his father. He recalled the way Alphard's eyes had darkened when he said that he had never worn them again.

He pulled on two rings, which were simple bands of cheap material meant to look like silver and a thick leather cuff bracelet. Finally, he came to a pair of earrings and ran his fingers over them before deciding it was a bit dangerous to attempt to handle that himself. He pulled his favorite pair of jeans from the trunk and put them on followed by his favorite band t-shirt. He approached the mirror again, and took in his appearance. He felt a small bit of pride well in his heart when he realized that now, he looked more like Alphard's son than he did Orion's.

He moved away from the mirror and had just sat down on his bed when the door burst open to reveal a panting and somewhat wild-looking James. Sirius stood to greet him but before the words reached his lips he was pulled into a painfully tight embrace.

"Sirius, I'm so glad you're back. How are you?" James rushed out as he pulled back but he nearly tripped as he took in Sirius' appearance. "When did you do that to your hair? It looks excellent mate!"

"Yeah, Sirius like one of those muggle rockstars." Came Peter's voice as he too made his way into the room.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair and looked down, "Thanks."

When he brought his head up he met the quiet gaze of Remus. They looked at each other for a moment before Remus spoke.

"Welcome back, Pads." He said his voice holding no pity, and for that Sirius was grateful.

"So! What do you say we pull something over Snivily in honor of your return?" James through out loudly as they all settled in various positions around the room.

"What'd you have in mind?" Sirius asked as a way to get James to keep talking so that he wouldn't have to, but James instead went silent and his gaze become slightly hazy. He was thinking, even better.

Peter shuffled over to Sirius and handed him a pile of parchment. "I copied notes for you, so you won't get too far behind."

Sirius glanced down at the barely legible writing and smiled slightly. "Thanks, Wormy."

Peter smiled back and made his way to the bathroom. Sirius glanced over to Remus who was unpacking the day's homework from his book bag, when he caught Sirius' eye he lifted his own notes up and inclined his head, a small smile playing at his lips. Sirius nodded in return and then fell back onto his bed and stared up at the canopy.

"I've got it!" Came James' shout a few minutes later and Sirius closed his eyes for a moment before sitting up once more and turning his attention to his friend.

*

They were making their way down the hall for breakfast the next morning, James had his arm slung about Sirius' shoulders as he rambled on about the prank he had laid out in honor of Sirius' return, Peter's shuffling steps following close at James' other side a wide smile plastered on his face. Remus walked on Sirius' other side occasionally casting Sirius' a weary and disapproving look. Remus had had that look on his face since they left the dormitory and Sirius knew exactly why. Remus, was a prefect, and Sirius was not wearing his uniform. Instead, of the Hogwarts approved black trousers he had on a pair of old, worn and ripped muggle jeans, he did wear his white button-down shirt, although it was open at the collar and his tie hung messily and loose around his neck and his robes were open completely.

As they entered the Great Hall, there were a great many stares directed at Sirius and an outbreak of whispers followed them as they made their way to their usual place at the Gryffindor table. Sirius sat down and James fell into the seat next to him as Remus took the seat across from Sirius and Peter the spot across from James.

Sirius did not look away from Remus' quiet glare, he shook his head at the predicament his friend found himself in. Remus wanted nothing more than to lecture Sirius, but really he couldn't not without breaking his silence about the whole Alphard dying situation. Remus was nothing if not stubborn. There was a loud giggling from behind Sirius and he turned to find a group of third-years behind him, when his eyes landed on the group one of the girls was pushed forward blushing madly.

"Hey, Sirius." She said quietly and Sirius gave her a soft grin.

"Hello, Miranda." He responded offering a little wave to the rest of the collected girls.

"We just wanted to tell you that we-um- love your new look." The girl said her face becoming steadily redder.

Sirius leaned over and kissed the girl on the check quickly, "Thanks darling."

He turned around quickly but like everyone else in the great hall caught the squealing of the young girls just moments after.

"Oh great!" James said around a mouthful of bacon and eggs. "It'll be even more insufferable now! With this bad-boy thing going, I think your fan-club just gained at least another three-hundred members."

Sirius just shook his head. "It's not their fault I'm irresistible."

Remus snorted and Sirius looked over at him trying to understand the strange look on the werewolf's face, when suddenly there was a loud boom and their attention was immediately drawn to the Slytherin table.

The whole of Gryffindor erupted into laughter and applause as the little sponges attacked his greasy hair causing little bubbles to fly everywhere. Sirius would have laughed were it not for the look of resignation on the other boy's face. It was not an angry look even but a darker sort of acceptance and something inside Sirius snapped.

"Cut it out, James." Sirius hissed to his friend who was nearly falling on the floor in laughter. His friend turned to him with a look of surprise.

"What?" James asked.

"Just stop it, alright." Sirius said and he felt a strong sense of relief when James waved his wand and the sponges disappeared leaving Snape with a head full of soapy bubbles and a look of pure mutiny now creeping into his features.

"What's the matter, Pads?" Peter asked.

Sirius shook his head and stood up from the table. "I'm not hungry."

He threw his messenger bag over his shoulder and made to walk out of the hall when there was suddenly a tugging at his wrist. He looked down to see the bright green eyes of Lily Evans gazing up at him.

"Thanks." She said, but Sirius could tell it took some effort.

"Don't thank me." Sirius responded lazily and pulled his arm from her tiny fingers and continued out of the hall. He made the final turn to towards the Transfiguration classroom when he heard footsteps behind him, he didn't turn around and only realized his mistake when he was hit by a tripping jinx and sent sprawling onto the hard stone of the corridor floor. He turned around his wand already in his hand and came face to face with the three people he least wanted to deal with on this particular morning. Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and his little brother.

"Well, well. Look's like we've caught ourselves a blood traitor." Lucius drawled and Sirius rolled his eyes.

"You know, Blondie, you should really work out some new insults." Sirius said rising to his feet. He didn't look at Regulus, he couldn't look at Regulus.

Severus and Lucius had their wands directed at him in a manner that was much more defensive than offensive. They expected him to strike first but Sirius wasn't in the mood for a pureblood brawl. He pocketed his wand and re-adjusted his bag on his shoulder.

"Why don't you slither on back to whatever hole you came from, yeah?" Sirius said airily and turned away.

"Reggie here, asked us to lay off you today. Seems to think you're a bit too sensitive to mind your wand." Lucius said his voice echoing down the hall, which Sirius realized had suddenly become populated with other students.

Sirius turned back and looked at his brother for the first time, there was a glimmer of apology in his eyes. Strangely he recalled his own words from so many years ago, _Do whatever you need to, say what they want to hear, Reg. Just survive how you can._

"What's the matter, Black?" Lucius' voice was dripping with malice, "Going to miss your Uncle? Was he giving you a bit of the _family treatment_?"

Without thinking, without really even the intent to do so, Sirius' swung his arm out and his fist landed hard on Lucius' delicate jaw. Sirius stepped back as Lucius staggered but managed to keep himself on his feet and raised his wand with a deadly fury rising in his eyes.

"Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Snape, please explain why you have your wands drawn in the middle of the corridor." Professor McGonagall's voice rang out and Sirius stiffened.

"Professor, Black struck Lucius." Snape's voice held a bit of outrage.

Professor McGonagall approached the group of boys and looked from Lucius' swollen jaw to Sirius' reddened knuckles before turning to a fourth-year Hufflepuff who stood just off to the side.

"Miss Cleary, can you tell me what happened here?" Professor McGonagall's voice was harsh and firm and the mousy girl looked positively intimidated.

"Well, when I came about Severus and Lucius had their wands pointed at Sirius and…and Lucius said something about Sirius' uncle and Sirius punched him." The girl sent Sirius an apologetic look before returning her eyes to the floor.

"Mr. Black's wand was not drawn?" The Professor asked.

"No." The girl responded meekly.

"Twenty points from Slytherin for inciting a fight in the corridor." She said and turned briskly in the direction of her classroom.

"But-but…Professor, Black…" Snape called out after her and the stern Professor spun on her heel to face him.

"Mr. Snape, you and Mr. Malfoy both had your wands pointed at Mr. Black when he did not raise his to you." When Snape didn't argue she continued. "I am not going to punish a student for defending himself, and I must say I admire Mr. Black's restraint."

The sound of shock echoing through a large group of people is a strange thing, because it can only be described as an extremely noisy silence. Professor McGonagall turned again and made her way to her classroom. James, Remus and Peter appeared at Sirius' side suddenly and James threw an arm across his shoulder's once again.

"Bloody brilliant. Prank on Snivillus, You punch Malfoy, Slytherins lose points AND McGonagall goes soft on you! Today is a great day." James said.

They continued down the hall but as they approached the door Remus pulled Sirius back. Without a word he took Sirius' hand in his and waved his wand muttering to himself. Sirius' hand warmed and cooled and then he flexed his fingers.

"Thanks, Moon." Sirius said quietly and Remus squeezed his hand.

Whatever softness the Transfiguration professor may have shown in the corridor it did not reappear in the classroom when James and Peter lost the house ten points each for attempting permanently engrave their names into their desktop. The return to the normal behavior of his Professor comforted Sirius in a way he couldn't explain.

*

As the week drew to a close, Sirius was thankful that James had finally stopped his persistent questioning and even more so the constant absurd pranking that had landed him two full weeks detention and a fail grade on a potions quiz. Peter too had reverted back to his more normal and less sensitive self, Remus on the other hand was still being quiet and observational, beyond what was normal for Remus that is. But mostly, things had returned to the same as they had been.

Sirius had found a singularly perfect distraction from his all-too adult like thoughts, and this distraction came the many forms of swooning girls that always seemed to be on hand when he found himself becoming too broody. In fact, at this very moment, while Remus was working away at the table across from him, Sirius was flirting shamelessly and wordlessly with a pretty dark haired Ravenclaw at the next table over. She was pretty enough for sure, she didn't make him go bonkers like Prongs did over Lily Evans, but no girl ever really did and Sirius was convinced it wasn't possible. Lily Evans aside, this little Ravenclaw certainly seemed snog-worthy.

As is his habit there were a few things rolling around in his head all at once. Firstly, it was that Remus was being extremely obvious with his not-so-stealthy looks at Sirius, second, the Ravenclaw's skirt was _intentionally _edging its way up her thigh, and finally Sirius' sixteenth birthday was next Sunday. And somehow with his eyes on the slowly upward bound hem of the skirt, and the movement of Remus' head in the corner of his eye, Sirius came to a revelation and he looked over to Remus.

"Hey, Moon, you're a virgin right?" Sirius asked abruptly and without lowering his voice, Remus' head snapped up a reddish tint to his cheeks.

'What?" He asked.

"You're a virgin, yeah?" Sirius repeated.

A hand came out from his left and smacked him and Sirius turned just as James lifted his head off the desk groggily and looked around.

"We're in the library?" He asked scowling at Sirius. "Why'd you wake me up?"

"I _know_ Jamie is." Sirius said and looked to Remus again, "So, how 'bout it, Moons?"

James looked from Sirius to Remus who was very red in the face and then to the empty fourth chair at the table. "Where's Pete got to?"

Sirius watched Remus very carefully as he fought down the blush and addressed James. "Snuck out of here about half an hour ago to go down to the kitchens."

"Ah…good plan." James stood and stretched before walking out.

"Remus, Remus, Remus." Sirius shook his head. "Will you never learn that keeping secrets and Marauders do not mix."

Remus stared at his parchment.

"So, who was it? When was it? How did you keep it a secret?" Sirius asked all at once having decided it would be prudent to lower his voice a bit. "How did it feel?"

Remus shook his head.

"Fine." Sirius cried out indignantly. "I will not be bested by you for much longer, Moon-pie."

Sirius glanced brazenly over at the Ravenclaw who was still looking at him. He stood up but Remus reached across the table to grab his wrist before he could head over.

"She's only fourteen, Sirius." Remus said lowly .

Sirius looked skeptically over at the girl who looked anything but _too young_.

"I'm only fifteen." Sirius said with a shrug and Remus dropped his head to the table with a thud. "Oh come off it, Remus. I promise I'll keep my pants on."

Sirius left Remus alone in the library, which wasn't unusual for the werewolf at all, and as he passed the little Ravenclaw, and leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Time to prove you're not a tease."

*

It was far beyond curfew and Sirius was winding his way in the direction of Gryffindor tower. It was early May now, and the weather lingered in a strange middle-ground between the harshness of a Scottish winter and the casual placidity of spring, the castle's stone floors were cold still and Sirius was barefoot for no particular reason. He found that lately, he could find reason for very little, this revelation was comforting in the way that slow deterioration sometimes can be. As he turned down yet another long corridor he came but a few feet short of running into Remus and Lily. They stared at him with identical looks that fell somewhere between astonishment and extreme disapproval.

It may have been that he was outside of curfew, although Sirius was nearly always outside of curfew these days. It may have been his appearance, what with his naked feet, his favorite jeans that were little more than shredded denim and dragged a bit on the bottoms, his school-issue white button up completely undone, tie hanging loosely on his bare chest, and his hair disheveled and falling into his eyes. It may have been the muggle cigarette that hung from his left hand or the pair of red panties that were crushed absently in his right. It may have been the glassy look to his eyes, or the dark bags beneath them. It may have been a great many things, and all of them equally deserving of their looks.

Sirius sighed into the silence and took a drag of his cigarette and put up a smile.

"Good-Evening fair Prefects." He spoke and it sounded forced even to his own ears, he wondered when that had happened.

"Black!" Lily finally managed and her voice echoed it's way down the hall. "This is—You're breaking about eight or ten school rules!"

"Well, which is it Evans? Eight or Ten?" Sirius drawled out and made his way to the wall where he promptly slid down, resting his back against the cool stone and kicking one foot out and leaving the other up against his chest. He caught Remus' eye and wondered when his friend would step in and end the charade, but then he remembered that Remus was still being quiet-Remus and sighed again. He took another drag off his cigarette and then pulled his wand from his pocket and vanished it before pulling out another and lighting it.

"That's it! Three nights detention and 20 points off!" Lily nearly shouted and stared at Sirius as if daring him to respond as flippantly as he had before. Remus continued to look at him, head titled slightly to the right.

Sirius only smiled, he loved that Lily Evans acted precisely the same. He loved that she hated him just as fervently as before and that there was no softening of blows, no handholding, because Sirius was certainly tired of that. It was one reason all the random girls were so addicting, they didn't care that he was emotionally buggered up, only that he touched right, and kissed right, and all the other things that really had very little to do with Sirius at all. And maybe it wasn't right that Sirius didn't particularly enjoy the experience of the whole thing, it served a purpose and he wasn't hurting anyone by it.

After awhile he stood brushing off the back of his jeans and nodded to Lily. "Will do."

He continued his way down the hall brushing shoulders with them both as he passed between them. A few whispered words bounced off the stonewalls and then with unsurprising speed Remus was by his side. They walked in silence for a long time and Sirius was growing frustrated in precisely the way Remus wanted him to. They stepped onto a staircase, which began to turn with a sudden jerk and Sirius cursed aloud. As the stair case slowly turned, a strange manic energy bounced around in side of him, because he didn't want to go down the stairs in the direction of the Library when he was heading in the direction of the common room, but there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it, and his frustration built further as the stairs clicked loudly into place and seemed to mock him.

And then Remus said, "So, whose panties?"

Sirius reacted, as usual, purely on the contained and unexplainable emotions that were caught up and caged within him and pushed Remus violently into the wall. Remus did not look impressed, or particularly shocked and Sirius raised his hand from where it gripped a handful of the other boy's shirt and punched the stonewall two inches from his friends head. Sirius both felt and heard the bones snap but he could not bring himself to care. And Remus said nothing, only looked at Sirius with eyes that said _I knew this would happen. _

"I hate you Remus Lupin." Sirius' voice was detached and he didn't mean it. He only hated that Remus knew him so well, and that he knew Remus so well. Because really, it was the knowing that made this all so damn hard.

It was believed, that the Marauders shared everything. That they told each other everything, knew everything about each other, and it was perhaps, nearly the truth. Except for the fact that it wasn't true, not quite. Remus knew about Orion Black and the ever-present ache in Sirius' ribs, and Sirius knew about John Lupin and a debt that went unpaid until Remus was six-years old. James and Peter did not know for the same reason most of the students of Hogwarts could not see the threstles that pulled their carriages. Because some things cannot be known until they are understood.

Remus still hadn't spoken and the silence in the empty corridor was grating on the edges of Sirius' already fried nerves. He was cracking because of the things that Remus didn't have to say because Sirius knew he was thinking them. Remus didn't move from the wall and didn't turn his gaze away from Sirius' face. Sirius felt his breath quickening and he clenched his fists despite the pain in his right knuckles.

"This is such utter crap, Remus! I'm fine! I don't know what the bloody-hell your problem is!" Sirius raged. "So, what if Alphard died? Apparently it was a long time coming. Prongs' parents knew and they told James about it two-years ago? So what. What's the point of telling me? Not like it's a big deal, not like some warning would have helped at all! Not like fucking…fuck, fuck fuck. _Fuck._"

And Sirius looked at Remus and it all came crumbling down, because Remus' expression hadn't changed, and he hadn't spoken, he was just t_here_ and him being there tore something up in Sirius for reasons he couldn't explain.

"I can't make it come back, I know I'm behaving precisely the way you always tell me I shouldn't and then some…but there is just nothing that can make it come back. But all these things make it _feel_ like it could." Sirius said breathing heavily and taking a step back from Remus wanting nothing more than to run away, but even as he did this, Remus stepped forward.

"Make what come back?" Remus asked, his voice even and nearly flat.

There was a long and weighted silence.

"Whatever it is that makes me, _me_." Sirius said desperately.

Remus shook his head and pulled Sirius into a tight embrace, and Sirius wanted to cry because he couldn't recall the last time someone hugged him like this.

"Sirius, what makes you, _you, _didn't go anywhere. You're being you right now, have been all along." Remus said softly into Sirius' hair. "It's just that now you have to _be you_, without Alphard—and that Sirius, is an entirely different matter all together."

*

Sirius felt lighter, and happier and nearly back to the person he had been prior to Alphard's death. Many of his newly acquired 'bad habits' however, remained. He still got pissed more often than he should, he still messed around with many girls for no other reason than it stroked his ego and he still disregarded a great many of the rules. The Marauders were back in full force and pranking as if they hadn't spent the better part of two months in a strange sort of unbalanced limbo. Remus and Sirius never talked about the night in the corridor and James and Peter shrugged off the change of mood in their two friends as simply time doing what it does.

Sirius was leaving detention, on his way down to the Shrieking Shack hoping to catch up with the rest of his friends in the full-moon festivities when Severus Snape came out from behind a suit of armor to stand in the center of the hall.

"Impressive lurking there, Snivellus. Practicing for when you become a Death Eater?" Sirius said his wand already out and pointing lazily at the other boy's chest.

"Where are your friends tonight, eh Black?" Snape said ignoring Sirius' barb entirely.

"Wouldn't know, I've been in detention." Sirius responded and then moved to walk past the boy when suddenly Snape shouted.

"Llegimans!" And Sirius' eyes were forced to the dark black emptiness that were Snape's.

He knew the spell; with a family like his it was not so unusual. But Snape was a novice and his presence was blatant inside of Sirius' mind. Tearing around his thoughts like a wild animal. Searching. Sirius focused hard on sweeping away and locking up any thoughts of Remus, pushing them to the dark corners of his mind. But there was one memory that he wasn't able to cover in time and it was suddenly flashing behind his eyes, like watching a movie on the inside of his own skull.

"_Remus told us we have to get to that knob." James said looking up at the Whoming Willow with something a bit like apprehension in his eyes. _

"_Right, but how—" Peter put in only to be interrupted as Sirius shoved him forward._

"_Come on now, Wormy. There's a reason you're so tiny." Sirius said with an amused tone._

_Peter blanched and then seemed to shake himself and then suddenly Peter was gone and a off-brownish garden rat scurried toward the tree and up to the notch. The branches froze and the rat came back toward them and soon enough Peter was once again standing before them._

"_I was almost squished." Peter said wheezing out his breaths. _

Sirius pulled himself away from the thought and flung his wand out with a wail of discontent.

"Bastard! Stupefy!"

But Sirius' curse missed because Snape was already tearing down the hall and Sirius chased after him his head sore from Snape's intrusion and making him more than a little dizzy. He stumbled out of the castle and across the yard but Snape was too far ahead and Sirius yelled out for him to stop even as the other boy raised his wand and levitated a stick to hit the knot at the center of the tree. Sirius heard the terrified scream just as he reached the entrance to the tunnel and threw himself down it panting and with blood running in thick rivulets from his nose.

Snape was halfway down the tunnel, frozen and staring. A great stag stood at the other end pushing his antlers against a snarling werewolf. Sirius transformed immediately and pushed past Sirius just as the werewolf broke free from the stag. Sirius collided with the werewolf both running at full speed. The werewolf pushed the dog aside only to see that it's prey had already gone from the tunnel and it was sealed once again. The wolf let out a ferocious howl of anger before turning its eyes to the black dog that stood panting in front of him. There was nothing but fury and bloodlust in its eyes.

*

Sirius woke up slowly and even after he had opened his eyes, everything was shining in through a whitish haze. When things focused a little better he realized where he was, and turned his head to find James sleeping hunched over in the chair at his right. His eyes moved to the bed across from him where Remus lay, still heavily bandaged and sleeping peacefully. Peter was nowhere to be seen, but he hated the hospital wing so there isn't any surprise in that. The events of the previous night burned across his mind with searing reality, _Snape knew, Snape knew Remus' secret._ In his mental panic he pulled himself upright too quickly and nearly cried out when pain shot through his stomach and made him nauseous. He lifted his shirt to find three broad claw marks there. He heard James moving and turned to look at him.

"Sirius! You're all right. Thank Merlin." James said running his hand through his hair again and again. "What the hell happened last night? How did Snape get in?"

Sirius looked down at the crisp white sheets that lay over his knees. He realized two painfully important things: Remus had nearly killed Severus Snape last night and Remus would _never _forgive himself for it. And then, Sirius made a decision.

"I told him." Sirius said and there was an absolute sort of silence, where even the rest of the world seemed to realize something terrible had just been spoken.

"You what?" James didn't yell, not like he usually did when Sirius said or did something particularly idiotic, no, his tone was deathly cold.

"I told him—I thought—I didn't think he would go." Sirius stuttered out trying to find rationale for an action so atrocious as this. "It was just supposed to get him off my back, you know how he's always asking…"

The sound of the plastic chair toppling over as James stood was louder than anything Sirius had heard in his entire life. James' expression was mutinous and full of betrayal.

"You…you _bastard._" And that was all James said before he stormed out of the hospital wing knocking into two more chairs as he left. Sirius took his eyes from the door and let out a fearful breath as he caught Remus' golden tinted brown eyes boring into his.

There was something akin to hatred in those eyes. And Sirius realized too late that perhaps none of them would forgive him this lie. But he knew Remus, and Remus would leave Hogwarts at the thought that he could have hurt someone. That someone could have found out on their own and been nearly killed. Remus would sacrifice his future to be one hundred percent sure that no one would be harmed because of him. But Sirius got there first, he had sacrificed himself for Remus and he did not regret it at all.

Later, in Dumbledore's office he told the truth. He held his head in his hands not looking at the old wizard and explained to him about meeting Snape in the corridor and everything after, leaving out their animingus forms, although somehow, he felt as though Dumbledore knew. Sirius begged the headmaster to please set him to some punishment, so that his lie would be more realistic. The old man had looked at him for a long time and then come to sit in the chair directly beside him.

"Sirius, you are a Gryffindor through and through." He had said, his voice soft. "But, I wonder if you understand that you may lose your friends entirely for this."

"It isn't sacrifice unless it hurts." Sirius said quietly.

"No, no I suppose it isn't." The headmaster responded. "But what if the sacrifice is greater this way? For everyone involved."

In the end, the headmaster had given Sirius detention for the rest of the term, but had asked that Sirius report to his office at 7:00 PM, every evening. There were four weeks of term left and Sirius knew they would likely be the hardest four weeks he'd ever had.

Sirius moved slowly as he made his way to Gryffindor tower, trying to cement his will to not break under the outrage his friends were sure to display at his arrival. He couldn't break down, he couldn't tell them the truth. Remus could never know the truth.

The Hogwarts' Rumor Mill was a finely run machine, and the stories had been churning over the last 24 hours about what had gone down. No one knew the details but for those involved and none of them were speaking. What everyone knew, is that something awful had happened, Sirius had done it, Snape was involved and the Marauders seemed to be on the verge of a massive break up. It was all anyone could talk about, so when Sirius came in through the portrait hole, the entire common room was silenced. Thirty or so eyes followed him as he made his way to the boy's dormitory.

Sirius hesitated outside the door taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, and then he pushed it open. Remus was back from the hospital wing, still looking weak and huddled on his bed. James sat next to him an arm around his shoulders and Peter sat at the end of the bed picking at the comforter. They all looked up when Sirius closed the door behind him. Sirius took out his wand and whispered a quick silencing charm, just incase some prying ears had made their way up the stairs.

He leant against the door, his stomach still stinging with pain and did not look away from the angry accusation in his friends' eyes. And then, Remus was pulling away from James and getting awkwardly out of bed. Sirius watched without speaking as Remus took slow and deliberate steps toward him. He came close enough for Sirius to see the wet-shine of tears in his eyes and suddenly Sirius could not look at his friend anymore. He closed his eyes and then there was a blinding pain in his right jaw and he staggered, nearly falling to the floor. He opened his eyes and raised a hand to his mouth, as he tasted blood. He straightened himself and met Remus' eyes, and waited. And Remus hit him again. Sirius did not try to protect himself; he just straightened his limbs and faced his friend's pain-filled eyes once more.

_It's okay, Moony. _He wanted to say. _It's okay._

But he said nothing, and Remus did not hit him again. After several long minutes the brown haired boy turned away and moved back to the bed. Sirius moved to his own and crawled into it pulling the curtains closed and pulling his knees to his chest. He regretted his decision for the first time then, not because his jaw ached and his lip was split, but because he could see so clearly the pain of betrayal in Remus' eyes and that searching look he gave Sirius. It was as if he wanted nothing more in the world than for Sirius to have a good enough answer, a good enough reason, so that he could be forgiven. And Sirius did, but he couldn't say. Remus may hate him, may hurt from the loss of their friendship, but he'd have his education and he'd have his peace of mind and right now, Sirius was the only one who could give him that.

*

Sirius hadn't spoken to Remus, James or Peter for two weeks. Not a single word. He sat at the end of the Gryffindor table at meals, surrounded by girls who were vying for his attention and stared at his friends. For the first week, the three others seemed as desperately miserable as Sirius felt, but then their faces showed less stress, their eyes found a happier glint, Remus was laughing at James' over-dramatic storytelling, and by Wednesday of the second week every occupant of the Slytherin table were clucking like chickens. The Marauders had moved on, perhaps not entirely, but enough to regain their balance. Sirius' very soul ached as he watched them but at the same time he was relieved and his belief in his choice was further cemented.

The detentions with Dumbledore were a farce, and Sirius spent a few hours each night drinking tea, eating lemon drops and working on homework. He was thankful, however, for the excuse to not be around the dorms or common room, where he would have to see the others and their gradual erasure of Sirius' presence. By the third week, Sirius thought he might lose his mind. Watching the people he cared most about get on with the business of living as if his absence mattered naught, was an excruciating blow to his sense of self-worth.

On Friday of the third week, he was in a broom closet with a girl named Anna who was a Hufflepuff. She had brazenly whispered in his ear at dinner that she could make him forget all about 'those stupid friends of his' and Sirius had wanted nothing more. She was attractive enough he supposed, not that it mattered in the dimly lit closet. It was his first time, but Sirius didn't have the emotional faculties to care enough to be nervous. He just needed to feel something, anything other than so completely alone. It was wet, and hot, and not entirely unpleasant and for the few seconds when the world spun out of control, Anna had made good on her word. After that, Sirius never went back to the dorms before curfew and neither did a great many girls.

The rumor mill was churning with Sirius' newfound sexual deviancy and he found himself constantly surrounded by girls, and he let it be because if nothing else for a few seconds every night, nothing mattered.

It was two days before classes let out for the summer holiday and well past curfew, but still Sirius sat out on the edge of the lake staring over the careful blackness that was illuminated by the quarter moon. He was just sitting there, working on being numb inside when someone sat down next to him. Sirius glanced over to find James running his hand through his hair a deep frown marring his features.

"Padfoot…" James' voice was full of guilty sadness that left Sirius at once afraid and relieved. "I don't know why you're doing this…but you should tell him the truth."

Sirius shook his head and looked again at the lake.

"Lily and I, we've started talking. And it's all your fault really." James continued, "She came to ask me if I was doing all right, what with the whole not talking to you anymore thing. And we just talked. She knew about Remus, worked it out herself. Promised not to tell anyone."

Sirius only nodded.

"She came to me today, really upset, near tears." James' voice hardened a bit. "Her and Snape got into a row, and he let slip about what happened with Remus. The whole thing. She reckons he wanted to impress her with his new skill or something."

Sirius looked at James and their eyes met, and Sirius missed their friendship more than anything. "You can't tell him, James."

James sighed and leaned his weight against his arms. "Why are you doing this?"

"He would never forgive himself." Sirius said. "You know he wouldn't. He would hate himself and he would think he was too dangerous to stay at the school."

James frowned. "You were just going to let us—hate you?"

Sirius didn't respond, he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to talk about it. James knowing the truth made things harder.

"I've missed you." James said.

"I missed you too." Sirius couldn't look at James.

James threw an arm around Sirius' shoulders. "We'll make it right again, we'll do what we need to do."

Sirius nodded but didn't believe him. For a while, they sat in companionable silence and James kept his arm across his shoulders as if he was afraid Sirius would attempt to leave.

"So…you've become quite the slut then." James said and Sirius looked at him and laughed. It felt like the first time he had ever done it.

"Had to do something with my time." Sirius responded earning a goofy grin from James.

"So, tell me…what's it like?"

*

_Padfoot,_

_Moony admitted he missed you today. I think maybe he's going to forgive you soon. _

_Prongs_

-------------------

_Padfoot,_

_Moony and Wormtail came for a few days and we talked about the 'situation' (don't worry I didn't tell the truth). Moony has come to the conclusion that you didn't really mean any harm, and that it was so very like you to act before you think. He reckons you've been punished enough. Wormtail, of course, agrees._

_Prongs_

-------------------

_Sirius,_

_I forgive you._

_RJL_

-------------------

_Pads,_

_Moony says you never responded to him and you haven't responded to me either. What's up?_

_Prongs_

-------------------

Sirius didn't respond because he was locked in his bedroom. Regulus for whatever reason had decided to slip the thankfully unopened letters under his door for him, but his window had been spelled to not open and so he could not send a response.

-------------------

Sirius

_You've got us all freaked out. Please let us know that you're all right._

_James, Remus and Peter_

--------------------

Sirius had been locked in his room since halfway through the second week of the summer holiday. Orion was apparently still upset about Alphard's will and decided to show Sirius just how angry he was. Every once in a while, Orion would come crashing through the door wielding his anger viciously as he went from using his fists to using his wand.

----------------------

_Sirius,_

_If it gets bad—leave. Come to James' house._

_Remus_

----------------------

Leave. It was such a simple word, and yet to Sirius it was as if a light had clicked on in his mind. Alphard's voice came back to him.

"_I want you to get out of that house as soon as you can, and live your life the way you see fit."_

He twirled his wand in his fingers and waited. Three days later Orion stormed into his son's room, but when he raised his fist, Sirius raised his wand.

"You will not hit me again." Sirius said. His trunk was packed with anything and everything he would take with him and stood at his side. "I'm leaving."

Orion laughed and brought out his own wand, but Sirius was quicker, if only because he had gone over this very moment for the last several days.

"Stupefy!" He shouted and watched in mute fascination as his father hit the ground with a loud thud. He grabbed the handle of his trunk and ran from the room, the weight of the trunk seeming like nothing. He came crashing down the steps, the loud bang of the trunk echoing throughout the foyer. He could hear his mother yelling from the Library and Regulus' footsteps come out onto the landing. He made it to the fireplace in the entryway and turned to catch his younger brother's form standing at the top of the stairs. He wanted to say something, anything.

_I'm sorry._

_I hate you._

_Come with me._

But he didn't, he grabbed a handful of powder and threw it into the flames.

"Potter Home"

Sirius stumbled out of the fire into the Potter's living room nearly tripping as his trunk caught on the edge of the fireplace. He straightened himself out and looked around to find Peter, James and Remus looking at him with wide and surprised eyes. Ava and Harold were sitting in the living room too and from the looks of it, Ava had spilt her wine.

Sirius imagined they were all a bit shocked by his sudden arrival and poor appearance to know what exactly to say, so Sirius withdrew a piece of parchment from his pocket and held it up, his eyes meeting Remus'.

"I got your letter."

As soon as Sirius spoke it seemed to break everyone out of their shock and there was a sudden uproar.

"What the hell happened?" James and his father screamed out in nearly the same timbre and at the same time.

"Sirius!" Came as a squeak from Peter.

Remus' eyes held a brutal apology and a subtle anger that Sirius knew was meant for his parents. And Ava was on her feet and next to him in seconds yelling after Harold to grab her healer's kit. Ava led him to the sofa that was quickly vacated by Remus and James. He sat tensely on its edge as she looked at him. James was pacing, Peter was staring and Remus was looking at Sirius' trunk, his jaw tense.

Harold returned just as Ava had finished healing the cut on his temple and the bruises on his cheeks. James was asking a million questions but Sirius couldn't find his voice.

"Sirius, can you take your shirt off." Ava said.

Sirius looked up at everyone was staring at him. He could feel the spot on his shoulder where the blood had dried and his shirt clung to his skin as if glued there. He shook his head.

"Sirius, take off your shirt." It was the first time Sirius had heard Remus' voice in nearly two months. Their eyes met and after a moment Sirius lifted his shirt over his head. He heard Ava's quiet intake of breath and James' curse, but his eyes never left Remus'.

His chest was littered with bruises, his left side was one massive purple and yellow bruise, the cut on his shoulder was longer than it was deep and ran from near to his neck down to his collarbone. And then, of course there were the vivid red claw marks on his lower abdomen. Sirius watched Remus take it in and caught the pained look in his eyes.

The room went silent, as if no one else dared breathe. Sirius closed his eyes and remembered the song that Alphard had left him. _This is your song today._

_And in my hour of darkness_

_She is standing right in front of me_

_Speaking words of wisdom, let it be._

_Let it be, let it be._

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AN: Song is Let It Be, by the Beatles. Although to be honest I like the version from Across the Universe (the movie) much better. It obviously wasn't available in this time period, but it is much more haunting and beautiful than the original in my opinion.

Please, please review.

If you have anything you would like to see 'answered' in this story send me a review or a private note and I'll do my best!


	3. Bloody but Unbowed

He stared up into the sky running the names of the constellations through his mind without really intending to. _Ara, Camelopardis, Cancer, Aries, Carina, Gemini, Hydra, Delphinus. _He was lying on his back in the Potter's backyard; the grass was wet having collected dew as late evening gave way to early morning. _Fornax, Grus, Horologium, Perseus, Sagitta. _ The smoke from his cigarette swirled up into the darkness creating ghostly images of its own. _Sextans, Serpens, Pictor. _

The lights from the house had slowly gone out, one after another, after another, until Sirius was left with the darkness, his thoughts, and the stars. _ Taurus, Norma, Reticulum, Mensa. _No one had followed him, not for a lack of trying or care. James had followed him as far as the back door but Sirius had shrugged off his friend's hand on his arm with a certain violence that had stopped James in his tracks. _ Musca, Pavo, Indus, Horologium, Volans, Vela. _There was too much rambling through his mind for him to really focus on any one thought for too long. _Telescopium, Pyxis, Monoceos. _

He could feel the wetness from the grass soaking into his jeans and the cold was only just starting to creep into his skin. He wished it was moving faster, that the coldness would creep into his bones and deeper. That somehow, it would cure the burning ache he felt. The freedom he expected to replace the hatred for his parents had never come. _Octans, Volans, Antlia, Dorado._ Sirius stubbed out his cigarette on the ground beside him, and withdrew the pack bringing it to his lip and shaking one loose. Once it was lit and he felt the familiar burn he turned his eyes back to the sky. _Orion._

Sirius heard the back door open and close and footsteps come out across the patio and then hesitate. When they picked up again, Sirius took another slow drag and stared upwards.

_Fucking Orion. _

A warm body settled in next to him on the grass, Sirius could tell that it was Remus by the sound of his breathing. When you share a dorm for five years, you learn things. Peter's breaths were shallow and carried a slight wheeze. James' breathing was erratic as if the boundless energy of his personality had leaked into his lungs. And Remus, his breathing was like everything else about the werewolf: steady, even, and quiet.

"Stars are bright tonight." Remus said and Sirius could tell by his tone that his friend was tired.

"Yeah." Sirius let a heavy breath, his eyes still on the sky. _Lupus_.

They lay there in silence for a long time. Remus' shoulder bumped into him and Sirius pushed his own back against it.

"Why don't they love us?" Sirius asked his breath cold and more melancholy than he had intended.

Remus didn't answer but Sirius hadn't expected him to. He looked back up at the sky and he felt Remus' warm hand close over his own. And then he started speaking, his voice sounding like a prayer, his hand wrapped around Sirius' and only the stars and the silence of the night surrounding them.

"_Out of the night that covers me, _

_Black as the Pit from pole to pole, _

_I thank whatever gods may be _

_For my unconquerable soul—" _

Remus' voice was as always quiet and firm, and Sirius' hand tightened around Remus' fingers. It wasn't the first time Remus had recited poetry, but here in the clear night, with all the pain and bitterness that bled out between them, Remus' gentle tones were more haunting then they were comforting.

"_In the fell clutch of circumstance _

_I have not winced nor cried aloud. _

_Under the bludgeonings of chance _

_My head is bloody, but unbowed—" _

Sirius closed his eyes, shutting out the mocking lights of Orion's star and let the words wash over him trying to find peace enough in his mind to remember them.

"_Beyond this place of wrath and tears _

_Looms but the Horror of the shade,_

_And yet the menace of the years _

_Finds, and shall find, me unafraid—" _

Sirius wanted to turn his head and look at Remus but the moment was fragile, and he felt that if he did so the steady comfort of it would be lost. He turned Remus' hand in his and laced their fingers together.

"_It matters not how strait the gate, _

_How charged with punishments the scroll, _

_I am the master of my fate: _

_I am the captain of my soul."_

Remus' voice didn't trail off so much as it seemed to echo into the night, there was a firmness that rang in the final words and seemed to call back to them. After a moment Sirius turned his head and looked at his friend. Remus had always kept his hair short, but it was still long enough that pieces hung down and mingled with the grass, his eyes seemed to glow golden and but his features were impassive, unrelenting, and shuttered. When Remus turned to look at Sirius their eyes met and whatever words Sirius had been considering speaking died on his tongue.

"That's you, Sirius." Remus said, his voice lower and quieter than it had been before. "The unconquerable soul."

Sirius' eyes didn't leave Remus' deep brown ones. "No, that's us."

He leant forward pressing his forehead against Remus'. "Bloody, but unbowed."

They slipped again into silence, and Sirius was aware of the intimacy of the moment, and his fingers tingled where they criss-crossed with Remus' thinner ones. For a moment, lying in the grass with the dew settling upon their clothes, the stars of Sirius' past bearing down on them, and the warmth of their skin where it touched; there in the silence and the loneliness of the morning after he had left everything behind, Sirius felt as though he was touching Remus' soul.

*

Breakfast the morning after Sirius arrived at the Potters was a tense affair. Ava and Harold had seemed to be bracing themselves for something, what it was Sirius couldn't be sure. Peter was attempting to keep a conversation going solely on his own, which would have been helpful if it weren't for the fact that both James and Remus were unwilling participants. James stared alternately at his plate and at Sirius with equaling amounts of pain and anger that Sirius imagined is what brothers were supposed to feel in these types of circumstances. Remus sat quietly at Sirius' right side, his silence no less obvious but far more comforting to Sirius.

When the meal broke up Sirius wandered to the living room and stared at the fire and wished desperately that things could be normal again. That the Marauders could some how just snap back into their casual lives of laughter and pranks and talking about unimportant things. He looked up as Harold sat down and looked at him, his features darkened and ominous.

"Sirius." Harold's voice was deep and sure in the way that commanded attention and obedience. "Orion is going to come here, you know that?"

Sirius only nodded thankful that Harold hadn't said _your father_.

"I have Alphard's flat, I'll go there. I don't mean for the trouble." Sirius said his thoughts straying to the memory of Orion's rings.

Harold shook his head and sighed. "It isn't as easy as that I'm afraid. You're still underage and you're required to have a guardian."

There was no fear in Sirius, only acceptance. He would return because Orion by rights owned him.

"Sirius, I'll speak to your father." Harold said finally. "You are always welcomed here. But I cannot promise you anything."

Sirius looked up and nodded mutely, acceptance of an unsure future was all he had to hold onto.

Later, Sirius had gone up to James' room and found the other boys lounging. Remus sprawled on James' bed reading, James and Peter on the floor a half-finished game of chess between them. They all looked up when Sirius entered and he sighed closing the door between them.

Sirius had grown tired and frustrated with silence. "Look—so my father likes to hit me."

There was an awkward moment between the four of them before there came a partially muffled snort from Remus' direction. Sirius looked at him and they held each other's gaze for barely a few seconds and then they both began to laugh. It was moments before James and Peter joined laughing awkwardly at first and then relaxing into it.

Remus spoke out as their laughter ebbed. "Trust, Padfoot to just hang it out there."

Sirius smiled. "Can we come off it then?"

A beat of silence followed, and then a pillow hit him in the face. Sirius moved with out thinking and lunged at Remus who for once had not been able to get out of the way. The force of Sirius' impact sent them both falling off the side of the bed, Remus' foot catching the side of Peter's head as they went.

"Oi!" Peter yelped and pushed the offending leg away from him and managing to upset the chessboard, which sent both James and their disturbed pieces into a frenzy of complaints. James stood up and kicked Sirius in the shin, only to have his own foot caught by deft hands and yanked out from under him.

Ten minutes later the four boys lay sweaty and panting on the floor.

"I don't know about you guys but I'm off it." James said resting his arm across his eyes.

"I'm off it." Peter piped up between wheezes.

"Me too." Remus said quietly pushing Sirius' shoulder and causing him to roll on to his back.

"Fantastic." Sirius said finally.

*

It was three-days before anything interrupted the normalcy that had settled amongst the friends. Three-days of easy breathing and simplicity and then Remus had made the mistake of commenting in an off-hand way, that James and Sirius would be hard pressed to pull off pranks as well without the use of magic. This comment, of course, was taken as nothing short of a challenge. The first prank had been on Remus, who was embarrassed to wake up covered in raspberry preserve after James had tickled his nose with a feather while he was asleep. Remus' embarrassment was nothing, however, in comparison to Peter, who had needed to use magic to clean his sheets after Sirius had placed his hand in a bowl of warm water that same night. But it was the final prank that would seal it and give all four boys a sense of Marauder-style justice.

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter sat on the bottom steps just inside the foyer staring at the door watching as a bucket of water swayed ominously above it, held up by a rope that wrapped around a low beam on the ceiling and trailed down into James' nervous hand. Peter was chewing his lip, and Remus couldn't seem to stop shaking his head at them.

"I don't know that dumping a bucket of water on your host's head is proper etiquette." Remus said after a moment.

"Oh come on, Moony. It'll be funny, my dad won't be too mad." James said but the shake of his hand and the slight insecurity in his tone was not convincing to anyone.

Suddenly there came voices outside, and all four teenagers were too caught up in anticipation to realize that the voices were both male and raised near to yelling. The bucket quivered and then the door opened.

Harold Potter came through the door forcefully causing the top edge of it to nick the bottom of the bucket which began to sway in earnest, four pairs of eyes widened as they took in the imposing figure that entered after him and Sirius cast his eyes from Orion's furious features to James' hands just in time to see the rope slip from between his shocked friend's fingers.

Sirius turned his head and it all seemed to happen with a tortuous slowness. The rope flung itself forward as the weight of the bucket rocked again and overturned spilling its contents directly over Orion Black's head. There was deathly silence as the bucket fell to the ground, cracking loudly against the hardwood floor and then a steady _drip, drip, drip_ became the loudest sound in the room.

Every muscle in Sirius' body was tense as he watched the emotion play across his father's face, confusion, realization, anger, fury, determination. He flinched involuntarily as his father took a step closer but Harold was quicker and placed his body between Orion and Sirius.

"Well, you needed too cool off anyway." The older Potter said, the corner of his mouth upturned ever so slightly and Sirius couldn't hold back the snort of laughter that escaped from him.

"Sirius. It's time for you to come home." The voice was steely and Sirius raised his chin out of pure instinct.

"Orion, if you take that boy out of here, the entirety of the Auror Department will descend upon your house within an hour." Harold said his voice just as strong and laced with an equal amount of malice.

"Are you threatening me Potter?" Orion bit out his eyes flashing dangerously.

"Of Course not, Orion." Harold said with a sickeningly polite pretense. "But, I know that the department has been itching to search your home and I wonder if you aren't a little concerned about what they'd find."

_Drip, drip, drip._

"Have him then." Orion said as if the dismissal was his intention. "He's no son of mine, but you take this responsibility in its entirety, Potter."

Sirius couldn't breathe. _Drip, drip, drip._

"A responsibility that I gladly accept." Harold said easily.

_Drip._

Sirius met his father's eyes over Harold's shoulder.

"No son of mine." Orion said again, aiming for a reaction that he'd never get out of Sirius. And then he was gone, sweeping out the door and Sirius stared at the empty space where he had been. He was only vaguely aware of Harold turning towards where they now stood at the base of the stairs.

"Meant for me was it?" The older man said a mix of humor and disapproval in his tone.

And then James bumped into Sirius in his haste to make a run for the back door as his father came after him with quick and graceful steps. Sirius, Remus and Peter looked at each other in silence as James' shouted mocking apologies got further away. Remus looked at Sirius and Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Merlin, Peter. You know what this means?" Sirius asked turning to the blonde boy.

"Remus was wrong." Peter said his voice filled with mock-awe.

"Remus was wrong." Sirius said with a nod as Remus rolled his eyes. "Say it Moony, say that you're wrong and I'm right and that we prank just as well without magic."

Remus' eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest. "No."

"Denial." Sirius said turning to Peter who smiled. "First stage of grief."

*

Sirius and James were hovering above the ground by about twenty feet, below them Remus was lounging against a tree reading a book. James waved his wand, conjured a ball of water and hurled it at Remus. They both watched as the ball sailed through the air and splashed against the shield Remus had conjured.

"Moony's no fun for this kind of thing." James said with over-dramatic exasperation. "Too bad Peter had to go home."

Sirius shrugged, and hurled a ball of paint downwards. The bright red splashed against the shield and splattered on the tree and grass, Remus looked up from his reading and flipped Sirius the finger.

"That's not very nice Moons!" Sirius shouted down with him earning a sardonic half-smile from his friend. Sirius looked over at James who had gone suspiciously silent.

"What's got you thinking so hard over there, Prongs?" Sirius asked.

"Lily Evans." James said with a sigh.

Sirius shook his head, of course, _Lily Evans._ "When are you going to get on from that mate? She's clearly not interested."

"You don't understand." James said sadly. "I love her."

Sirius sent another ball of paint down at Remus but missed and hit the tree above his head.

"Yeah, yeah." Sirius responded. "But how do you know you love her? I mean you've never really talked to her."

James' brow creased. "You don't talk to any of the girls you shag."

Sirius laughed. "I never said I loved them."

Sirius flicked his wand and sent a ball of water in Remus' this time and looked back at James.

"I think this is going to be my year." James said. "She'll come around this year."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "You've said that every year since you first laid eyes on her."

"This year's going to be different." James responded confidently.

Sirius was going to respond that James had said that _every_ year as well but something wet and sticky suddenly hit him in the side of the head. He reached his hand up and it came back down covered in pink paint. He looked down at Remus who was now standing, wand in the air, and an unexpected wide grin on his face. James was laughing so hard that he was nearly falling off his broom. Sirius' eyes drifted to where Remus' book lay abandoned next to the tree and he smiled.

"Right then." He said and pushed his broom in the direction of the tree. Remus caught on to Sirius' intention but wasn't fast enough and Sirius scooped up the book before returning to his place to hover.

"Give it back, Sirius." Remus called up to him.

Sirius winked at him and looked at the book, _Daring Defense: Unusual spells and their effectiveness in Dueling. _ Well, it was a step up from _The Complete History of Goblin and Wizard Relations. _

"Come on Sirius!" Remus called again. "You'll make me lose my place."

Sirius laughed and conjured a small rope and before placing his wand between his teeth and tying the rope securely around the book. He tied the other end of the rope around his broom and looked down at Remus.

"You'll have to come and get it Moony." Sirius said and dropped the book. It bounced at the end of the string before simply hanging there, swaying slightly in the breeze.

"Sirius! You're a right prat you know that?" Remus called up.

"Hey! Nice rhyme Moony!" James called down to their friend.

Sirius laughed as he watched Remus who had turned his glare on James. He glided down so the book hung just a foot out of Remus' reach. Remus jumped a little, arms outstretched, but it was to no avail.

"Are you a wizard or not?" James shouted down and Remus stared at him before raising his wand and sending a severing hex in the direction of the rope. Sirius darted out of the way and sent a green ball of paint at Remus catching him in the shoulder. James applauded enthusiastically until he was struck with a purple ball himself, Sirius tried to muffle his laugh but couldn't quite manage and James turned to him a mock glare on his face and purple dots covering his glasses, he raised his wand slowly and Sirius took off dragging Remus' book in his wake.

By the time they called a truce, each of them was multi-colored and even Remus' book hadn't escaped the massive attack of yellow that James had sent at Sirius. They were heading back into the house when Ava came out camera in hand. Sirius had never felt so whole as he did then, standing between Remus and James, arms around each other's shoulders, covered in paint and happiness. As Ava readied the camera Sirius was oblivious to the secret look that Remus and James shared and to the silent movement of their wands. Just as the flash went off they turned simultaneously and two balls of paint exploded on Sirius' head.

*

The summer drew to a close with surprising speed, and soon James and Sirius found themselves in Diaigon Alley to pick up their supplies for the upcoming year. They were nearly finished when a flash of red hair caught James' eye and Sirius hung back, unwilling to participate in the stalking of Lily Evans. He had wandered a ways from James and was staring in the window of the Quidditch Supply Store when he was grabbed suddenly by the arm and jerked into a dimly lit alley. His immediate response was to throw his elbow backwards and it came into contact with muscle and then he was released. He turned around, drawing his wand, defensive anger seeping into his muscles and came face to face with Regulus. He took in his brother's appearance, he looked as Sirius imagined, he, himself had once looked. Perfectly groomed, his robes tailored and reeking of money, but there was something different about him. A shadow to his eyes and a harder set to his features, something had changed in Regulus and Sirius knew that it was as much his fault as anything.

"Reg." Sirius tried for familiarity in his tone but it came out strange and surprisingly aloof.

"Look, Sirius. We—I don't have a lot of time." His brother spoke quickly and quietly, the muscles around his eyes tense. "I just, there's something I have to say to you."

Sirius nodded mutely and waited for him to continue.

"It's just—I'm not you. I can't be like you." The younger boy spoke as if the words were forced out of him. "I'm sorry. Father has said I'm not to talk to you anymore. They burned you off the tapestry. "

Sirius let a soft half-laugh make its way out into the air, there was a sting to his brother's words but it wasn't as deep as it could have been.

"You told me to do what I need to…and I'm going to." Regulus said a desire for forgiveness already making it's way into his tone. "I just want you to know, that you're still my brother. Even if it doesn't seem that way."

Regulus looked to Sirius for some acceptance or understanding, and Sirius tried to find it in himself to comfort his brother, but no words came. After a few silent minutes Regulus turned and walked back into the busy street of Diaigon Alley and Sirius stared after him, feeling as though he had just done something entirely unforgivable.

Sirius was still there, in the darkened alleyway smoking a cigarette when James walked by glancing in his direction and then doubling back and making his way into the alley to stand beside him.

"What are you doing back here?" James said as he kicked a piece of trash with his shoe.

"Got dragged in here." Sirius said taking another drag and smirking when James waved the smoke away irritably.

"By a bird?" James asked a hint of amusement in his tone.

"Nah. Regulus wanted to have a little chat." Sirius said and watched James from the corner of his eye.

James was a great friend, loyal as the day is long, great for a pick me up, fiercely protective of his friends, but he wasn't the most complex guy around and he didn't really understand the kind of darkness that Sirius and Remus shared between them. He didn't know how to talk to Sirius about his family. James grew up happy and that was the whole of it.

Sirius pushed himself off of the wall and slung an arm across James' shoulders moving both of them out of the alleyway.

"So what happened with Evans?" Sirius asked attempting to steer them onto more solid ground. "You don't look like she hexed you."

"Worse mate." James said darkly. "She was with Frank Longbottom."

"Like _with _him?" Sirius tried to arrange his face to look appropriately scandalized but instead he laughed, because Frank Longbottom was a great guy if not a little odd looking, which was surely a blow to James' ego.

*

James was glaring at Lily Evans and Frank Longbottom rather obviously. Sirius felt bad for him, he'd never really cared much for any of the birds he'd been around with but he imagined watching the one you liked with another bloke was about as rough as it gets. Their conversation had died out once the First Years had entered and allowed for Sirius to think on something. He looked at Remus who was sitting beside him watching the sorting progress.

Remus had been acting strangely since they had met him in Kings Cross. It was nothing blatant, but with Remus very little was ever obvious. It was subtle, the way the corners of his mouth managed to be down-turned even when he was laughing, or the way he had chosen to stare out the window of the train instead of read the book that had lain open on his lap. He sat closer to Sirius than he usually did, their legs pressed together on the bench and elbows brushing occasionally. Remus and Sirius were no strangers to physical closeness, none of the Marauders were really, but this was different like Remus was trying to tell him something but couldn't speak it.

Sirius was startled from his thoughts when James suddenly slammed a fist on the table and stood before stalking out. Sirius looked at Remus who raised an eyebrow at him. Remus had been quieter too. Sirius looked up to see that the sorting had finished, he gave Remus' shoulder a gentle squeeze before standing and trailing after James, sending a fair few winks to the girls as he passed.

Out in the foyer he found James pacing madly back and forth running his hand through his hair. Sirius sighed, _damn Lily Evans. _ Lily Evans had been the bane of Sirius' existence for longer than he could remember, she was James' greatest weakness and his biggest fear and somehow that translated into a rather large pain in the ass for Sirius.

"Prongs, what's the damage?" Sirius asked remaining a few steps from where James continued pacing.

"You don't understand, you tell me I should just get off it about her but I can't." James said. "And she's in there with Frank-bloody-Longbottom. Looking like they'd rather eat each other rather than the treacle tart."

Sirius looked at James again and shook his head. "Well, mate, maybe it's time you started playing by her rules."

Sirius didn't want to say it, didn't want to talk about Lily Evans. He loved James and wanted him to be happy but what Lily Evans wanted was for James to grow up, and that more than anything was frightening for Sirius. One of the reasons that James and Sirius were as close as they were was because they balanced each other; Sirius didn't know what would happen if James changed, would they still be as close? _Damn, Lily Evans._

"What do you mean?" James asked finally stopping his pacing.

"I mean, you know what Lily doesn't like about you. She tells you often enough." Sirius said darkly. "Why don't you try to not do those things and see where it gets you?"

"You mean like pranking, and giving Snape hell and running my hand through my hair and asking her out?" James asked dubiously.

"Yeah, mate." Sirius said glancing back to the doors of the Great Hall, they were held open and Sirius could still see Remus sitting there talking with Peter.

"You really think it'll work?" James asked.

"Don't know for sure. But what you're doing now clearly isn't." Sirius said noting that Remus was now sitting alone at their section of the table, Sirius didn't wonder where Peter had got to—only why he had left Remus by himself.

"But how will I get her to go out with me if I don't ask her?" James said and Sirius let out a sigh, he was tired of the conversation.

"Who knows maybe she'll ask you." Sirius responded. "Look, Moony's all alone at the table. You coming back in?"

James nodded silently and followed him back into the Great Hall. When Sirius sat down again, he felt Remus slide closer and looked over at him but his friend was looking at James.

"All Right, James?" Remus asked and James shrugged his eyes on Lily Evans once again.

Sirius wondered if maybe Remus would try and avoid talking to him later, and so he made a point to stay as close to him as possible. They sat in the common room long after everyone else had gone. Remus was sitting staring into the fire and Sirius laid his head on his lap trying to figure out how to ask Remus what was wrong without asking him what was wrong. If he asked what was wrong, Remus would say 'nothing' and the conversation would be over.

Remus began petting Sirius' head, smoothing the long unruly mess back off of his forehead. This is something that had started happening when Sirius had become an animingus. Sirius often wondered if it was because they were both canines that Remus did this sometimes without really thinking.

"Hey, Rem." Sirius said softly.

"Yeah, Padfoot." Remus responded.

"Why weren't you reading on the train?" Sirius asked for lack of a better question.

Sirius waited and Remus continued petting his hair.

"I couldn't concentrate." Remus replied. This left Sirius on precarious ground, if he asked why and Remus said, "Because you were all behaving like wild animals." then the conversation was over.

"What were you thinking about?" Sirius tried.

"My father." Remus said after a moment, his voice dark and low.

"Why are you thinking about that bastard?" Sirius bit out harshly.

"He and my mother—well…they've worked things out it seems." Remus said softly as if he was trying to break the news gently to Sirius.

And there it was, and it made so much sense. Sirius pushed back his own disbelief and anger toward a woman who he'd only met once, he reached up and laid his hand over Remus'.

"I'll stay with you over Christmas, then." Sirius said after a while. "Maybe James and Pete too. It'll be a proper Marauder Holiday."

Remus laughed then. "Merlin, but I feel sorry for the staff."

*

Hogwarts was, as always, predictably the same. For Sirius there was security in this sameness, the everyday feeling of classes and the like. But there came a shift a few weeks into October and after that everything was different, especially Sirius.

It was mid-breakfast when the owls came swooping in delivering the Daily Prophet, and a few short minutes afterwards an unearthly silence had extended over the hall. Those who didn't get the paper were peering over the shoulders of those who had. Sirius glanced at Remus' copy and everything inside him froze.

Sirius couldn't force himself to read the words because the picture held his attention and provided more than enough information. The photo captured the street of London in terrifying detail, the sun had barely set and the lighter shades of it's light were visible even in the grainy black and white of the newsprint. The buildings that lined the street were engulfed in hungry flames, dark flames, _fiendfyre_, and the people, so many people running, tripping, being struck down by lights that came from the darkness. Bodies fell in repetition and Sirius turned his eyes to the source of the curses and he realized it wasn't from a shadow that they came, but that the shadow was, in fact, wizards, hundreds of black-robed masked wizards.

Whispers broke out across the hall and Sirius turned his head to the staff table but Dumbledore's chair was empty, as was McGonagall's. The whispered words began piling on top of one another and building into a steady panic. Sirius got up without a word and left the hall, he wandered out into the grounds and sat beneath the tree the Marauder's had claimed as their own in second year, trying to force the image from his mind.

Three weeks later, he sat under that same tree amidst newly fallen snow and stared out over the frozen lake. Death was everywhere now, in the papers, in the shadowed eyes of friends and classmates. Everything had changed, and yet nothing had. There were still the classes, and the exams, and Quidditch and all of the things that had been there before. But it was different now, it was changed by the glaring absence of students who had been pulled due to death in the family, by the increasing violence and volatile tension between Slytherin and every other house.

Their parents' war was being fought in the hallways of Hogwarts, and where once there was only wounded pride, blood was being spilled as the tensions escalated. Sirius had tried to stay on the fringe of it, tried to just get on with the business of moving one day to the next. But, between James' ferocity in the face of what was good and brave, and his own placement outside of his family it was no surprise that he found himself drawn into more than one scuffle.

He heard the crunch of the ground under several pairs of heavy boots and he stood drawing his wand and holding it at his side. He turned and was unsurprised by the motley collection of Slytherins who had wandered out into the cold. Snape, Goyle, Malfoy and low and behold his own brother. Sirius shook his head. Malfoy opened his mouth to speak, and Sirius rolled his eyes before raising his wand.

"Let's just skip the monologue, Malfoy." Sirius said his tone acidly sarcastic.

The first curse hit his shoulder and he felt as if all of his breath had left his body, he doubled over sucking in air but raised his wand and directed at Malfoy's pretty little head. _Stupefy. Stupefy. _He shot the curses silently and in quick succession and both of them missed. When his wand went flying behind him he clenched his jaw and stood straighter, his chin raised slightly in defiance.

Slytherins were not stupid, and Sirius had known that when he had chosen to face them unarmed rather than run in fear. They crossed the lines of acceptable behavior frequently, but never so severely as to land them in trouble any more serious than detentions.

Sirius limped back toward the castle, the walk from the tree was much longer when he was still finding it difficult to catch his breath. He sat down on a bench halfway from where he stared and where he wanted to be and closed his eyes. It would be a lie if he said that the pain wasn't so bad. But the truth of it was, no matter how often you experienced it a tolerance for pain didn't mean it didn't hurt only that you didn't vocalize that pain.

He heard hushed chatter coming from behind the bushes to his right and instantly tensed, getting caught alone twice in one day was a bit much even for him.

"Hey Black." Came a loud whisper from the bushes. "Come on back here, we've got something that'll take the edge off for ya."

Sirius knew the voice but couldn't place it beyond knowing that it posed him no danger. He stood with some difficulty and pushed through the bushes. In the small space between the bushes and the walls of the castle stood three seventh-year Hufflepuffs. Joslin Cambridge was the one who had spoken. Sirius had bought his first bottle of Firewhiskey off of him.

"Hey." Sirius said.

"You look rough, mate." Joslin said with a sympathetic look and offered out what looked like a homemade cigarette. Sirius took it and inhaled deeply, only to violently cough on the thick smoke.

"Bloody Hell." Sirius said handing it back. "What is that?"

The others laughed, "Dried Gillyweed with a bit of calming drought mixed in." Joslin responded.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Where'd you get it?"

"We grow it out in the abandoned greenhouse." The blonde headed boy said, "Good stuff."

The cigarette made it's way back to Sirius and he took another drag, coughing a lot less than he had before.

"I'm Erik Thomas and this is Caleb Creevey." The blonde boy said while the dark haired one offered a slight wave.

One joint, as Sirius found they were called, turned into two and three, and soon the boys were sprawled out on the cold ground laughing uproariously about absolutely nothing at all. When the sun-slid lower and they had decided that food was in fact the most important thing there could possibly be, they made their way out of the bushes and up to the castle. As they were about to head toward their respective common rooms Joslin put a hand out to stop Sirius, Sirius turned and Joslin slipped something into his pocket.

"This one's on me," He said his voice soft as a whisper and laced with an easiness that left Sirius confused. "The next will cost you."

Sirius felt a wave of awkwardness wash over him when he realized that Joslin's finger was still caught in the pocket of his jeans.

"Thanks." Was all he could manage and Joslin laughed. Sirius turned from the group but only made it a few steps when he was pulled back by Joslin's voice.

"As for the payment…" Joslin said that same unnerving easiness flowing in the words. "…Galleons are good…but some things are better."

Sirius looked at him and felt his features form into confusion.

"Come now, surely Gryffindor notorious slut can catch an innuendo." Joslin said amidst the ringing laughter of his friends.

Sirius stiffened, the drug had woven its way through Sirius' bloodstream at a rate that was beginning to alarm him. Inside his head, he could hear the witty retorts banging around but he couldn't lift the cloud of contentment enough to let loose the harsh words. He nodded slightly and then turned and made his way from them, trying to understand the context for the cloistered anger.

And then he laughed. Because the reality of it all was, he certainly was a slut and where was the point in denying it. It was completely hilarious, or so it seemed at that moment. When he reached the portrait hall the fat lady looked at him suspiciously.

"Password?" She said and Sirius laughed again, the buoyancy he had felt prior to Joslin's parting words had returned in full force.

"Pretty lady," Sirius drawled out leaning an arm against her frame. "Tell me, what is the password to your heart?"

For her part, the Fat Lady didn't give in to his charms, although she did look a bit flustered. She quickly exited it her frame when Sirius began banging on the portrait demanding entrance.

As luck would have it, it was none other than Lily Evans who opened the entrance and laid her annoyed eyes on Sirius first.

"Merlin, Black you like like—" She started but Sirius didn't allow her to finish as he wrapped his arms around her middle and promptly threw her over his shoulder and stepped into the common room.

The common room went silent but for Lily's litany of curses and threats, as they took in Sirius' appearance. His jumper was torn in a few places and stained with blood, his face was purpled and his nose slightly swollen, and he had a look to him that was even more wild and unrestrained than anyone had ever seen him.

Sirius ignored their looks and walked over to where James, Peter and Remus sat stunned in front of the fire. Sirius took a moment to look at them and then unceremoniously dropped Lily Evans in James' lap.

"Happy Birthday and Christmas, my friend." Sirius said brushing the hair out of his face. Even Lily was silent as she stood from James' lap and took a closer look at Sirius.

Sirius plopped down on the couch sprawling his body out, his head falling in Remus' lap on top of the book he was reading. He looked up at Remus and smiled at his frown thinking that maybe he could send some of this delicious comfort to his weathered friend. Sirius closed his eyes when Remus ran his fingers through his hair. He was certain it had never felt quite so much like heaven.

"Sirius, where have you been?" Remus asked.

Sirius looked at him and creased his brow suddenly feeling paranoid.

"Around." He replied. "What's it to you?"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Just wondering if you were mobbed or mugged."

Sirius relaxed again and turned to glance at James who looked nothing but concerned.

"Sirius—what happened?" James asked.

"Just bloody Malfoy and his little minions." Sirius said. "Really I'm fine."

James shook his head and cursed. "You want to go to the hospital wing?"

"Nah. Moony here can manage. I'm really not that bad off." Sirius said looking up at the amber-eyed boy again.

"I don't know, Sirius…" Remus said with a sigh.

"Come on, you know you're my favorite." Sirius said with a wink.

Remus shook his head and pulled out his wand. Sirius closed his eyes again as he felt the familiar warmth coming across his skin as the last remnants of pain slipped away from him. When Remus' hand returned to his hair he opened his eyes again.

"You guys think I'm a slut?" He asked suddenly and when Remus' brow creased he reached up a finger to smooth it away.

"Why do you ask?" James put in.

"Looking for an honest opinion." Sirius replied.

"Course not." Peter said a little too quickly from where he lay on the floor.

"Nah, Pads, you're just having a bit of fun is all." James said but his tone wasn't so convincing. Sirius turned his eyes to Remus who only shook his head.

"I need an unbiased opinion." Sirius said thoughtfully and then pushed himself up and looked over the sofa-back, when his eyes landed on familiar red hair. "Oi! Evans!"

Lily turned and sent him a scathing look. "What do you want Black?"

Sirius pulled himself up a bit higher, resting his chin on the sofa's edge. "You think I'm a slut?"

Lily looked confused for a moment, but it was brief. "Yeah, Black. The biggest in the school."

Sirius flopped back down feeling strangely content with her response. "Well, there it is."

Remus leaned down and whispered into his ear, his breath tickling the skin. "I don't know that Lily is unbiased."

Sirius smiled. "Maybe not, but she's right."

Remus frowned and Sirius tried to mimic the seriousness of the expression but found that he couldn't and just laughed.

*

The week before the term let out for Christmas holidays, Sirius was a mad disaster. He didn't want to think about why, he didn't want to believe he was that stupid. The last two weeks were a daze to him, he skated through classes in a rush of calm aided by the thick smoke of Joslin's clever drug. When he thought about it, even now, as sick as he was, he held no regrets. Darkness had permeated the castle and broken their little educational sanctuary. Everyone was on edge and the tenseness of the reality the students and staff were sequestered away from had begun to eat away at any semblance of normality. Sirius though was unscathed by it, in fact, he floated through the torrent of depression rather helplessly unaffected. His humor hadn't died out, although Remus and Peter had both become entirely too somber, and James was quickly following suit. At times Sirius had felt he was the only one left who knew how to laugh. He hadn't spoken to Joslin since their conversation in the foyer but he had not missed, even in his casual happiness, the curious and pleased looks that came from equally glossy eyes that followed him in the Great Hall or the hallways.

Remus had tried to talk to him about it, but Remus was never one to pry, especially when it came to Sirius. Remus would wait for Sirius to come to him, but Sirius felt no desire to explain, in fact, he had felt so secure in his little happy daze that he brushed off Remus' gentle prodding. Sirius loved the feeling of it, for the first time the ever-present brokenness in him seemed to mend. He felt free, free of himself and free of the restrictions of the rest of the world.

And then, the package had dwindled down to empty and even as he smoked the last of it sitting outside on the roof outside the dormitory window, he had begun to panic. The next morning his hands had begun to shake and he felt reality crashing down on him like an oppressive weight. The happiness evaporated much quicker then it came, and Sirius was lost to the downward spiral. At first, it hadn't really made sense to him, he had thought that it would pass, and then he had gone without a rational thought in his mind, hidden under James' invisibility cloak and found a reality that he couldn't deny in the restricted section, under the title of _Altered States_.

_Gillyweed (aka- weed, smoke, dose): Comprised of dried gillyweed often mixed with various potions or other plants (see Flagstone Vine). Burned or smoked and inhaled, can be ingested. Enhances feelings of euphoria and dulls the sense of pain. Extremely addictive, causes symptoms of with drawl after prolonged usage. _

Sirius had shown up outside of the Hufflepuff Common Room two days later just shy of being beyond curfew. When a curious fifth-year had approached he asked her to send Joslin out. Sirius waited leaning against the wall for support, he could feel the sweat building on his skin, and he clutched his arms around him and tried to steady his breathing. He nearly jumped out of his skin when the portrait swung open.

Joslin faced him with the sort of exasperated look he'd seen Ava give James.

"Hell, Black. You're certainly stubborn." Joslin said with his usual easy tone, leaving Sirius grasping for the meaning of his words. "I take it you need something."

Sirius didn't speak he only looked at the older boy. Joslin was rebellious in the way that Sirius only ever played at occasionally. His light brown hair was streaked with broad reddish-brown stripes, and stuck up in carefully organized spikes. He had no peircings and wore no jewelry aside from a collection of multi-colored plastic bracelets on his left wrist. He wore the school uniform, but carried it off with a sort of haphazard disrespect that made even Sirius' ripped and faded jeans seem appropriate. Sirius watched as he stuck his fingers into his pocket and retrieved a little rolled-up brown paper sack. Sirius stared at the paper as it crinkled between his fingers and then raised his head and his grey-eyes clashed with Joslin' blue-green ones.

Sirius nodded and Joslin laughed, the sound of it ringing down the empty halls and inside Sirius' head, which had carried a dull ache for the last two days.

"You're a mess." Joslin said with a hint of humor. "You shouldn't have waited so long. Come on then."

Sirius let Joslin take his hand and lead him away from the Hufflepuff common room. Soon enough, Joslin was pushing through the heavy doors of the foyer and they walked into the brisk cold of the December evening. They sat on a bench in the middle of the courtyard as Joslin pulled a carefully rolled joint from the sack. He brought it to his lips and lit it taking a long drag before handing it to Sirius.

Sirius fumbled in his hurry to feel the paper against his lips and when he inhaled the thick smoke he closed his eyes. He took another drag and felt the familiar softness slip around him, into him. He heard Joslin laughing faintly at his side and took another drag before handing it back. It took them five minutes before they had gotten through the entire thing, and Sirius once again felt normal and at ease. He took the bag from Joslin's hand and stuffed it in his pocket. For a moment, the calm dropped out from under him when he saw the calculating look in Joslin's eyes.

"We have to talk about payment here, darling." The older boy said smoothly as he withdrew a muggle cigarette from his pocket and lit it.

Sirius' mind spun. "I don't have anything just now, I'll get my inheritance released at the end of January."

Joslin made a _tsk_ sound between his tongue and his teeth and shook his head. "Now, Sirius, I told you before, the first one was on me. This you have to pay for."

Sirius looked at him and Joslin didn't have to repeat the words because they floated into Sirius' head unasked for. _Galleons are good, but some things are better._ Sirius' hand drifted to the slight bulge in his pocket caused by the paper bag and looked up at Joslin.

"What do you want?" He asked, his voice solid and giving away none of the mounting panic in his eyes.

"For now?" Joslin said a smile stretching across his face. "Just a taste. We can make things a little more firm once everyone leaves for break."

Sirius looked at him and he could feel the blankness of his own features.

"Come on now, pretty. I'm not going to force your hand." The boy spoke up when Sirius didn't respond. "Only offering you an alternative. You can always come back in January."

Sirius knew he was lost in that moment, and not just to Joslin, but lost in a deeper way. He could feel the importance of it and the muted urgency of a warning, but the drug washed it out and made it seem like so much white noise in the background. Sirius nodded.

Joslin pulled a joint from the pocket of his outer robes and lit it taking a long drag, and handing it over to Sirius.

"Have you ever been with another bloke?" Joslin's voice was like velvet now. Dark, crushed velvet.

"No." Sirius said and took two drags.

Joslin laughed, and so did Sirius without knowing particularly why.

"All the better." Joslin said after awhile and Sirius laughed. "You're so damn _high._"

When they finished, Joslin crushed the butt of the smoke beneath the heel of his shoe and took Sirius' hand, leading him back towards the castle. Once the warmth of the castle surrounded them, Joslin's grip on Sirius' arm tightened and he pulled him around, pinning him against the wall of a dark corner. Sirius looked up not knowing what to do, to think. Suddenly, he felt Joslin's lips on his, at once cold and hot, firm and soft. Sirius tried to sort out how it felt, but couldn't manage to string an emotion into understanding.

Sirius had never liked being done-to, controlled, or handled. There was something inside of him that raged as Joslin held his shoulders roughly against the wall and Joslin's tongue made its way into his mouth. Sirius pushed Joslin back, only to turn them around. He seized control of the moment and pushed his own tongue into Joslin's warm mouth. The other boy tasted like a mix of fresh water and the bittersweet twang of the weed. As the kiss intensified, Sirius found himself pressing against Joslin's body, and the familiar arousal rush over him. His hand strayed from the wall to the side of Joslin's face and down to the hard, muscled chest until it rested on his belt buckle. Sirius was of two minds, one of which was trying desperately to understand the myriad of emotions running rampant throughout him and the other filled with a willful desire to dance in the flames of whatever this was because he had never felt so good.

After a few moments it was Joslin who pushed him away, his hair mussed, lips glistening and cheeks flushed. His breathing was coming out in deep and wonton pants and he smiled at Sirius. "Well, damn, it would seem for once the rumor mill is right."

Sirius looked at him not registering the statement, only trying to find the peacefulness in his mind once again. Joslin sighed when he didn't speak.

"Don't fret about it too much," He said as he ran a gentle hand down Sirius' jaw line. "You're much too pretty to be completely straight."

*

Sirius was high, it was a strange word now that Joslin had whispered it in his ear. High reminded Sirius of the feeling of flying with James, of staring up at the stars, of walking along the ridge of the cement wall of the Astronomy tower like he was now. But Joslin's high meant something else entirely and Sirius let out a heavy exhale of smoke watching as it drifted up, swirling away from him.

Sirius was functional, more functional than he had been before Joslin and his seductive easiness. He could focus in class and was able to push his parents, his brother and even Alphard to the back of his mind. When he was _high_, he imagined it was how he would have felt, thought, _been_ had it not been for the darkness he was born into.

He was barefoot again, and despite the cold winds that rushed up to the tower, the cold of the stone felt good against his skin. He heard the metal door swing shut and turned his eyes in its direction in time to see Remus, James and Peter to step from the shadowed entryway.

"My friends, my countrymen." Sirius said throwing his arms out dramatically. They stepped closer to him.

"We'd rather hoped you'd lend us _your_ ears, Padfoot." Remus said and Sirius frowned at the tension in the words.

Sirius slid gracefully to sit down, his feet dangling over the edge of the wall looking expectantly at his friends.

"Consider my ears lended." Sirius said with a laugh and looked from Remus, to James who had an expression on his face akin to the one he wore during a particularly difficult test, and finally to Peter who looked as if he was merely dragged along to watch a hanging.

"Sirius, we're concerned about you." Remus said his even tone nearly quiet enough to be lost in the winds.

"No need, Moons. I'm great." Sirius said with a wide smile.

"Bloody Hell, Sirius! You're not fine!" James shouted out angrily and Sirius shook his head and smiled as regret colored his friend's features almost immediately.

"I am fine, James." Sirius responded kicking his feet out and smiling over at Remus. "Come sit by me Moony."

Remus looked at him for a moment and Sirius wondered if Remus' lips would feel the same as Joslin's had or if his inner wolf would make it rougher, firmer. Remus pulled himself up onto the edge of the wall and settled himself beside Sirius. Sirius looked at him without turning his head and placed his hand on Remus' thigh and rubbed a circle there.

"You're warm." Sirius said.

"Sirius! Honestly!" James said half-fear and half-exasperation. "We're intervening."

Sirius turned to James. "Clearly. Good job of it too."

James through up his hands. "Be serious would you!"

"I'm always—" Sirius began but Remus cut him off with hand over his mouth. Sirius frowned into the fingers.

"You're all over the place lately, laughing and bouncing off the walls and you sleep like the dead." James said. "Right Pete?"

Peter shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Right."

Sirius sighed and shook off the hand on his mouth as he continued tracing circles on Remus' thigh. "I'm sorry."

"Padfoot, you don't have to apologize, we just want to help you." James said coming a bit closer to him and Remus.

Sirius only shook his head. "I appreciate it. But really there isn't anything you could do."

Sirius stood again and began walking along the wall. "There's so much darkness now, why does it bother you that I'm not losing myself to it?"

No one answered, so Sirius continued. "Just let me be happy, please."

Silence.

"Sirius, sit down you're making me nervous." Remus said and Sirius looked back at him.

"Don't worry, Moons." Sirius said making his way back to where he had been sitting before. He reached down and took Remus' hand in his. "I'm all right."

Remus looked up at him and then over to James and Peter. Sirius pulled up on his hand and brought Remus stumbling to his feet and into Sirius. Sirius steadied his friend and looked down over the edge.

"There's nothing you can do." Sirius said in just a whisper. "We're already falling."

Remus' normally calm breathing was heightened and rushed. Sirius imagined Remus thought he didn't notice the look he sent over to James and Peter, telling them quietly to let him handle it. Sirius saw and waved to James as they made their exit.

"Are you on drugs, Sirius?" Remus whispered his arms wrapped around Sirius in a tight embrace.

"Yes." Sirius responded, with Remus there was no shame, no fear of rejection.

"Can you stop?" Remus asked and Sirius felt an unfamiliar pain swell in his chest.

"No." Sirius responded quietly.

"Do you want to?"

Sirius drew a breath and hugged Remus to him tighter.

"No." Barely a whisper, a guilty confession. He felt Remus' breath catch and his muscles stiffen.

Remus looked up and met Sirius' eyes. Sirius head was spinning with Joslin and the heady feeling of being so _high _and the stark contrast of the cold wind on his back and Remus' warm body smashed to his front. He leaned forward, it only took an inch, and pressed his lips to Remus'. Remus didn't move or breathe, his lips were softer, more forgiving than Joslin's had been. And Sirius pressed his tongue along them, finally gaining startled entrance into Remus' mouth, chocolate and something edgier like mint or spice. In Sirius' mind the kiss went on forever, and when Remus pulled back there was a forlorn disappointment painted across the strong features.

"Sirius, not like this." Remus rasped out turning his amber eyes to the sky. "Please."

Sirius took a step back and looked down over the edge of the castle once again. "Alphard, used to tell me, that the Beatles were his favorite because they sung the seriousness of the world in a way that made you love them for it."

Sirius looked again at Remus who seemed solid even on the precipice of Sirius' instability and the precariousness of the ledge on which he stood. His hands were in his pockets and his gaze was steady on Sirius.

Sirius closed his eyes and sung the words just barely above a whisper.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise_

Sirius tried to make Remus understand, the way that Alphard would have understood. He wasn't much of a singer, but it didn't seem to matter, with the wind whipping around them and the strangeness of the circumstance.

_Black bird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these sunken eyes and learn to see_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to be free_

Remus took two careful steps to him and stood staring off into the night, their shoulders touching.

_Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly_

_Into the light of the dark black night._

_Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly_

_Into the light of the dark black night._

__________________________________________________________________________

AN: Please, please review. It inspires me greatly. As I said previously if there are any questions about Sirius that you're interested in seeing my answer to—slip it into a review and I'll do my best.

Remus' poem is: Inivictus by William Blake.

Song is Blackbird, The Beatles


	4. It's All Right

I'm baaaaaaaack.

His mind was veiled, if Sirius had to choose a color for it he would say light blue. Everything was washed out by it, his childhood, Orion, Regulus, Alphard. Sirius could only feel now, each moment as it came and as it passed it was lost into the softness. He was sitting in the common room alone, wearing only his muggle blue jeans and staring at the flames of the fire. Everyone had left for winter break, everyone in Gryffindor, all of the Slytherins.

Most of the parents had wanted their children home, Sirius imagined it was out of fear that something would happen and they might never see them again. Even Remus had been unable to get out of going home. Sirius was worried about Remus, but that too was veiled. The Potters had practically begged Sirius to come in letter after letter, but he wouldn't. Two girls from Ravenclaw had stayed behind because their homes had been destroyed in one of the recent attacks. And then there was Joslin.

Sirius hadn't left the common room in the two days since everyone had left, except to make an occasional run for food in the kitchens. He was enjoying the solitude, entertaining himself by walking around the dorm naked and wanking on James' bed, and smoking the weed. The map had told him who remained in the castle, and right now it told him Joslin was making his way towards Gryffindor tower. Sirius felt a swirl of inappropriate excitement run through him and he lit a cigarette and looked at the map again. Joslin's dot was turning down to the Gryffindor corridor.

The unsettling thing about this situation with Joslin wasn't the sex, Sirius liked snogging and the like, Joslin being a guy didn't bother him so much, rather it was slightly exhilarating, another rule to be broken. What had him on edge was that Joslin was clearly the one in control, and Sirius did not do well with being in someone else's control. He watched the dot come within a few feet of the portrait hole and wondered briefly if he should put on a shirt, he decided against it as he made his way quickly up the stairs to the dorm.

In the room he rifled through his things finally locating a small black bag. He had drunk thirty bottles of butterbeer without stopping or throwing up in a dare against James the day before everyone left for the holidays and he had done it with this moment in mind. He made it to the entryway just as Joslin's dot stopped. He pulled the portrait open and held back his laugh when Joslin's eyebrows rose quickly in shock.

"Out for a bit of a stroll?" Sirius said taking a drag off of his cigarette and blowing the smoke out slowly.

Joslin stood with a tenseness to his frame that seemed out of place with the unfocussed glassiness of his eyes. His red streaked hair was messy, not unlike James' in that, and he wore muggle clothes. Dark blue jeans and a dark red t-shirt. Sirius took him in with an obvious gaze and it seemed to him that the tenseness in Joslin increased because of it.

"Just collecting what is owed." Joslin returned smoothly, having regained himself and found his wit.

Sirius raised his eyebrow and leaned one arm against the doorway, with the other hand he tossed the black bag to Joslin who fumbled to catch it. Sirius watched as Joslin weighed the bag in his hand, the coins inside of it clinking together.

"What if it isn't enough?" Joslin said evenly.

"It is." Sirius said the aristocratic arrogance of his surname seeping into the tone.

Joslin's eyes widened slightly and his look became annoyed and furiously defiant. His glance bounced around awkwardly, Sirius laughed and the sound echoed down the empty hallway.

"Look, Black—" Joslin started with a bit of edge to his tone.

"No, _Joslin_. You look." Sirius said straightening his body out and opening his arms. And the other boy did, his eyes dragging down Sirius' naked torso.

Sirius understood manipulation and although it took him a while to focus his thoughts through the haze of the drugs, he understood Joslin's intentions. Joslin had used the drugs to get to Sirius, and now Sirius would use Joslin's desire for his own purposes. He didn't know if it was the drugs, or the reality of the ever-increasing tensions of the looming war, from which he could not completely escape, or something deeper. Perhaps, it was more than either or a bit of it all, but Sirius had _liked_ the feel of Joslin's lips and he wanted to know why.

He finished off his cigarette and vanished it with a quick swish of his wand. He looked at Joslin for a moment and then grabbed the front of his t-shirt and pulled him into the common room. He felt the firmness of Joslin's shoulders as he pressed the other boy against the wall, and couldn't help but think that the sheer masculinity of the brunette's smell was intoxicating. He pressed his lips against Joslin's and suddenly there was nothing but heat, and firmness pressing back against his mouth.

That was how it started.

Once it had started, Sirius and Joslin were together more often than not. In his rare moments alone, he wondered about it. It seemed the only thought in his blue-washed mind was _Joslin_. He took to studying Joslin when they sat together in the Gryffindor common room, drinking butterbeers they had sneaked in from Hogsmeade, and smoking weed. In that moment, at the peak of their high, when their thoughts had slowed and they couldn't communicate but for their secret smiles, Sirius wondered.

_Did this make him gay? Would he still feel the same about Joslin if it weren't for the drugs? What would his friends think? What would Alphard have thought? Is it only Joslin, or could he do this with another boy?_

So many questions, and Sirius didn't have the answers. He thought about asking Joslin but he didn't. Joslin was simple, uncomplicated, and singularly more selfish than Sirius had imagined him. As the weeks passed by and they groped and fondled and fumbled through the shared experience of shagging another bloke. Sirius had laughed when Joslin had explained the mechanics of it, and Joslin had turned red. But it felt good, better than any of the girls. Things grew heated between them, and touching each other was a new and more delicate drug for them both. They grew to know each other, in a superficial way that came with spending hour upon hour in each other's company.

Joslin came from a middle-class half-blood family, they lived somewhere in Surrey and his parents were nice, they didn't shout, and they doted on their only child. They didn't mind that he liked boys, when Joslin had told them, his father had shrugged and continued to eat his dinner. Sirius spoke little of his family, and less of Alphard. Joslin wasn't sure what he wanted to do once he graduated, he didn't have any opinions about the war, and he wasn't much for quidditch. They spent little time talking though, and knew each other's bodies better than each other's minds.

There were nights when Sirius lay naked and smoking in his bed, Joslin sleeping next to him, one arm thrown over Sirius' abdomen and his face buried in the pillow, and wished for Remus or James. He thought about calling James on the mirror and had started to tell Remus about it all in the letters he sent, but he hesitated and wasn't sure why.

The snow crunched nosily under Sirius' feet and he bounced on the balls of his feet to a little rhythm he invented, up ahead of him Joslin was walking with his hands in his pockets, head titled back catching snowflakes on his tongue. He turned his head and smiled a broad hazy grin. He was beautiful, in his way, Sirius decided. They made their way to the abandoned green house and once they reached the door Sirius pushed Joslin up against it and kissed him fiercely. A deep and savage satisfaction overwhelmed him and he wondered if Joslin would have sex with him in the green house, it was warm in there. When he pulled away Joslin's goofy grin made him chuckle and he reached around him to pull on the handle. It didn't give.

_Locked._

For a minute neither of them moved, they stared down at the handle and confusion swept across Joslin's features. Sirius withdrew his wand and performed the alohamora spell. Nothing. For a brief minute there was silence and then Joslin lost it. Sirius stepped back and watched as Joslin jerked the door handle with an incredible amount of force, and then resorted to kicking the door violently.

Sirius felt the normal ease of the drug wane and moved around to the window and glanced in. It had been cleaned recently, he glanced to the corner where Joslin had been growing the gillyweed and something heavy shifted in his stomach.

_Gone._

It took nearly ten-minutes for Sirius to pull Joslin from the door. The brunette was in hysterics, muttering under his breath and tears standing in his eyes. Every few feet Joslin stopped abruptly and turned back in the direction of the greenhouse. Sirius had to drag Joslin to the castle by one arm to stop him from blasting the door down.

Two days later, they had smoked their last joint and Sirius was exhausted from the wild rollercoaster of Joslin's emotions which had moved on from panic to a whimpering defeat and finally ended at anger. He was shouting and pacing and pulling at his hair. It unnerved Sirius, there was a subtle panic in the back of his mind, but he watched Joslin feeling very far away from it all.

"Joslin…" Sirius said quietly but the boy didn't respond.

He continued pacing and kicked a stack of books arranged 'just-so' at the end of Remus' bed.

"JOSLIN!" Sirius raised his voice and finally Joslin turned to look at him, his eyes full of manic desperation. "Calm down."

"Calm down? Calm down!" Joslin ranted moving with heavy strides to stand in front of Sirius. "Do you have any idea what withdrawal will feel like? What you had…that was nothing, that was nothing."

"Can't we…buy it?" Sirius asked taking a step back from the fierceness of Joslin's expression.

"Fancy a trip to Knockturn Alley?" Joslin let loose a wild laugh. "Because that's the only place you can get it without a permit. And then it'll be another three months before it's full grown."

The panic in Sirius grew. He settled himself against the wall of the dorm and watched as Joslin stopped in the center of the room before turning quickly and beginning to pack the things of his that had appeared over the course of the past month.

"Where are you going?" Sirius whispered, knowing somehow, and terrified by it.

"Home." Joslin said. "I've got some muggle friends, they'll get me something. Something that will help."

Sirius didn't speak, he just watched Joslin gather his clothing and books and stuff it all into his bag. As he made for the door Sirius stepped in front of him.

"What about me?" He asked, an accusation.

"What about you?" Joslin responded his tone flippant and annoyed.

"You did this to me." Sirius replied coldly. Joslin laughed.

"No, sweetheart. You did this to you." He pulled up close to Sirius. "I did this."

He pulled Sirius into a hard and rough kiss, Sirius gripped the front of his shirt and pushed him away roughly. Joslin laughed again as he stumbled.

"My pretty, pretty, Gryffindor whore." Joslin said, and Sirius wondered if this was the normal Joslin. Joslin without the drugs. Cold, ugly.

Sirius raised his fist and discovered it felt nearly as good to hit him as it did to kiss him. Joslin laughed and laughed, spitting blood out onto the floor.

"Well done." Joslin said pushing past Sirius and opening the door. "Still a man after all."

And then he was gone. And that was how it ended.

Sirius had no sense of time anymore, no sense of anything but the cool stone of the bathroom floor. He lay on his side, the burning skin of his face and torso pressed against it and giving him precious little relief. His head pounded and he felt empty and hollow from the retching. His skin itched as if there were thousands of ants crawling across it. Through his eyelids he could see the red-tinted light of the bathroom and it seemed painfully bright. He ached, in every part of his being, and somewhere beyond the physical pain there was a loneliness that ate at his soul.

Sometime later he opened his eyes and the brightness of the room stung his eyes. He pushed himself to his knees. His legs shook and threatened to collapse as he got to his feet. The world tilted violently and he threw out his right arm to steady himself against the sink. He moved slowly, using each sink and lastly the wall to support himself. As he made his way into the dorm room his head was spinning and tiny black dots swam in his vision. He collapsed onto his bed and reached under the pillow and withdrew the mirror.

"James." His voice was rough and raspy, and too quiet to activate the mirror. He tried again. "James"

The mirror gave a small vibration and James' face appeared in the mirror, Sirius sighed in relief but his heart was heavy with shame.

"Sirius?" James said squinting into the mirror. "You look like hell mate."

Sirius could feel the darkness in his vision edging closer. "Help me." He whispered and then he spiraled out of conciousness.

Sirius woke to violent, angry whispers. He kept his eyes closed and tried to will away the nausea. His body was sore. Even the joints of his hands throbbed with a deep ache.

"We've got to take him to the hospital wing." It was James' voice, and Sirius could hear the panic in the whispered words.

"We can't." Remus, _thank merlin._

"Rem—we don't know what's wrong with him." James said.

"Drugs, James." Remus responded, an icy edge to his tone, and Sirius wanted to apologize. "At the looks of it he's run out. If we take him to the hospital wing, they'll be able to tell and he'll be expelled."

Silence. Sirius opened his eyes.

James and Remus sat on James' bed facing Sirius. James looked to have rushed from his house immediately and was still wearing his pajamas, Remus looked more put together.

"Sirius." James breathed out his name with a note of relief and frustration.

"Hey." The word hurt Sirius' throat and his tongue tasted like vomit.

"What the hell have you done?" James said coming to his feet.

Sirius just looked at him and then to Remus.

"What was it Sirius?" Remus asked quietly.

"Gillyweed." Sirius said softly.

"Oh for the love of _Merlin_!" James shouted and kicked the bedside table. "You're a sodding idiot!"

Sirius found Remus' eyes and there was a note of fear in the amber shade that made Sirius want to cry. But the darkness had begun to seep in again and he closed his eyes.

"_Sorry."_

When Sirius came around again, a surge of panic and adrenaline forced him out of the bed and into the bathroom where he vomited bile for several minutes the acid burning it's way up his throat. His head pounded and his fingers shook, and his stomach clenched painfully. He lay himself down on the floor again and curled into himself, praying for unconciousness. Instead, he got Remus.

Sirius felt himself being pulled from the floor and into Remus' warm arms. And something crashed down in his mind as the last tendrils of the drugs comfort leaked away. He felt the fire hot tears make their way down his face and he ducked his head in shame. Remus ran a hand over his hair gently, in that achingly familiar way.

"James and I, went down to the library." Remus' voice a low whisper filled with regret, "It can't be helped, Pads, there isn't a potion out there that's going to make this easier."

Sirius nodded, keeping his eyes closed tightly.

"The worst of it will be over by the morning, I think." Remus continued. "You're fever seems to have broken, but tonight will be rough."

They were both silent for a long time, the only sound was the soft rustle of their clothing as Sirius shook.

"James went back home," Remus started up again. "He didn't tell his folks he was coming."

"But you'll stay?" Sirius rasped out.

Remus sighed deeply. "I'll always stay, Pads. Always."

Sirius gripped Remus' arm where it crossed his chest and let the tears fall anew.

"I'm so sorry." He said though it hurt to talk.

"I know, Sirius. I know." Remus said quietly and continued running his hand through Sirius' hair.

They sat in silence for minutes that seemed to Sirius like hours and then Remus was standing and pulling him to his feet.

"Lets get you back to bed." Remus said and practically carried him to the dorm room.

He settled Sirius into the bed and pulled the covers up across him, but when Remus turned to go Sirius grabbed his wrist.

"Stay."

Remus seemed to hesistate and then crawled into the bed beside him. Silence drifted between them and Sirius felt himself falling into the darkness again.

"Rem-," He said quietly, not knowing why.

"Hmm?" Remus asked his voice sounding far away.

"I think I'm gay."

Sirius felt Remus stiffen beside him and prepared himself for the rejection, but Remus laughed quietly.

"Oh, Sirius. Of course, it would take dire circumstances for you to admit even _that_ to yourself or anyone else for that matter." Remus said and the words washed over Sirius like a warm bath and he let the world fade away again.

Sirius knew one thing for sure, _Remus Lupin did not care if he died_. He struggled against his friend's iron grip, knowing that it was futile and hating Remus for being a werewolf for the first time in seven years.

"Let me go!" Sirius screamed out his voice roughened and wild. "Let me go you bloody werewolf or I swear to Merlin and everything else I will strangle you myself."

Remus' grip tightened and he laughed tensely. "Right, Pads, that is if you could move your arms.

Sirius was backed against the wall opposite of the door, which was his ultimate goal. He needed to get out of here, he needed to find Joslin or go to Knockturn Alley. He needed the damn drugs because he was dying. The pain in his muscles was still there, the pounding in his head continued, and adrenaline coursed through him like liquid fire. All he could think about was the _need_.

A part of his mind seemed to be separate from himself wholly and took in his own actions with a measure of regret and awe. It must have been the reasonable part of his mind, the part of him that knew he was out of control. But the need was too overwhelming too strong and in a fit of violence he pivoted in Remus' hold and slipped his foot behind Remus' legs sending him sprawling to the floor. Sirius moved quickly with clumsy steps and made it to the door but not before Remus regained himself and cast a spell at the door causing it to glow blue for a moment. Sirius let out a painful wail and threw himself at the door grabbing the handle and pulling with all his strength. It wouldn't move, like the door to the greenhouse. Sirius pounded on the door and then turned around fast enough that his vision blurred for a moment.

Remus was standing leaning against the wall, his face betraying no anger only tiredness and a great deal of sadness.

"Let me out, Rem." Sirius said desperately. "Just for a little bit."

Remus shook his head and Sirius changed his tactic moving toward him slowly. Fixing his face to the same expression he had given Joslin that first night. His veins thrummed with need and his hands were still shaking but he made his body listen as he took a few more sauntering steps. Something flashed across Remus' face briefly and then fled, and was replaced by a severe expression that reminded Sirius of McGonagall.

"Remus…" Sirius said softly.

"Sirius, don't." Remus said, his body stiff and his eyes boring into Sirius'.

"Remus…" Sirius was only a step or two away from him.

Sirius saw Remus push himself further back against the wall involuntarily but he didn't move away. "Sirius, I swear to Merlin…"

Sirius took the final steps and put his hands on either side of Remus' head, tilting his own head down letting his hair fall and brush Remus' cheeks. The part of his brain, that reasonable part, was screaming rather irrationally at him now, but Sirius ignored it. He could convince Remus, he didn't know how he knew, but he did.

"Remus…" Sirius said again. "I'll do anything. Make you feel good, and all you have to do is let me out, so I can feel good too."

Sirius watched as Remus' eyes hardened just a little bit and then suddenly Remus' hands came to his chest and pushed with enough force to knock Sirius down and send him skidding a foot or so backwards across the floor. Sirius looked up wheezing his lungs sorely missing the air that had rushed from them, and saw Remus' expression full of livid exasperation.

"You're going to whore yourself out for drugs, then?" Remus shouted out uncharacteristicly and running his fingers through his hair.

_My pretty, pretty Gryffindor whore. _

Sirius pulled his legs into himself, and hugged them to his aching chest. He rested his head on he knees, letting his long hair fall around him like a curtain. He cried, letting the tears fall silently dampening the fabric of his jeans.

After awhile, Remus came and sat down behind him, pulling Sirius' back flush against his chest and wrapping his strong arms around Sirius' shaking body. Like a parent would a small child, like a lover, like someone who _cared_. And Sirius hated himself for it, because this was _Remus_, the one who was always there, who knew him and understood him and forgave him the worst of his sins. He had made the most vulgar and selfish advance on him, and now Joslin's words rang true, echoing around in his mind.

Sirius woke up tired and feeling grimy. His head hurt significantly less and there was only the occasional twitch of his fingers. His muscles still ached painfully and his heart burned with the ache of the memory of what he had almost done to Remus. He sat up, surprised to find himself once more in his own bed. He stood up and looked around, the room was empty. He felt a pang of loss and self-righteous anger that Remus had left, but there was a little voice whispering into his head that really, it was his own fault.

He made his way to the bathroom, glad that his legs were steadier now. He pulled off his jeans and stepped into the shower. The warm water was refreshing and served to sharpen his dulled senses. He washed his hair and scrubbed his skin twice, once to rid himself of the grime, and again in an attempt to wash away his guilt.

As he was drying off he looked into the mirror and sighed deeply at his own appearance. His face was pale, and despite the considerable amount of sleep he'd had over the last few days dark circles ringed his eyes. There was a slight shadow of hair on his chin and he went to the bedroom to retrieve his wand. He glanced around again, Remus had cleaned up the disaster he and Joslin had made and Sirius felt guilt wash over him anew. He returned to the bathroom and make quick work of shaving his face. He glanced at his chest and took in the ugly bruises that were shaped like hand-prints, Remus' hand-prints. _I'm a bastard, _Sirius decided.

Back in the dorm again, he pulled on a pair of clean but tattered jeans, and his favorite Sex Pistol's t-shirt. He stood in the dorm for a moment, unsure of what to do and then made his way down to the common room. He took the steps slowly trying not to overexert his sore muscles. As he came around the corner from the stairway his heart skipped a beat and his eyes landed on Remus. He was sitting in the overstuffed chair just in front of the fire, one leg stretched out in front of him the other folded beneath him, a heavy leather bound book lay open in his lap, but he wasn't reading in instead his eyes were directed at the fire.

His expression was hard for Sirius to read, which was nothing unusual. Remus was often difficult to read, and his friend had said much the same about Sirius. The flickering light of the fire cast a strange glow over his face, softening the paleness of his skin and setting off the bronze sheen in his hair. For the first time, in his entire life, Sirius looked at Remus Lupin and could think only that he was beautiful.

After a moment Remus turned to look at him and his expression changed to something softer and less contemplative. He offered a weak smile and internally Sirius grimaced at the effort it seemed to take. He moved and sat down on the sofa, leaving his eyes on Remus.

"I'm sorry about—." Sirius started but Remus shook his head.

"It's okay." Remus' voice was soft and comforting and Sirius sighed. "Dumbledore and McGonagall want to see you. They said they'd come around at one."

Sirius felt the frown come to his face, "Why?"

It was Remus' turn to sigh and he shifted to face Sirius a bit more directly. "Sirius, I had to tell Dumbledore that you were ill so that he would allow me come back in the first place. I didn't tell them…but I imagine that they suspect or know from another source."

Sirius stared at him unable to say anything at all. He wanted to cry. Instead, he nodded slowly and after regaining his words asked, "What time is it now?"

"Just after eleven. I was down at the kitchens earlier this morning, the house elves are going to bring up some lunch for us." Remus said and a small smile touched his lips, "I told them you were ill and they were falling all over themselves to help their favorite student, no doubt we'll have a feast fit for a king."

Sirius smiled a little but his heart wasn't in it. He was going to be expelled.

The next two hours were hell on Sirius' already frayed nerves. He was never good at waiting for anything, especially bad news. He was the quick and painless sort, Remus on the other hand seemed solemn but calm. They had sat in front of the fire quietly until lunch was brought up, Remus chattered a bit about random things that held little weight as they ate their meal.

Sirius wanted to ask Remus about his father, he wanted to know what was going on in his friend's head but he didn't ask. Now wasn't the right time. After they finished eating, Sirius having regained a decent appetite (although nothing close to his normal standards), Remus went about setting up a game of chess. He didn't have to ask if Sirius wanted to play and Sirius didn't argue.

He would like to have been able to say that he was rightfully distracted and lost as a result. The truth, however, was that Remus always beat him at chess. Remus had a good mind for strategy, which is why he was so imperative to their pranks. Sirius on the other hand, acted rashly, and had taught his pieces to talk like pirates. The result of pirate chess pieces was that there was always bound to be a mutiny and sometimes the pieces refused to defend their king, favoring instead to covet his wife. One of Sirius' pawns was yelling at his remaining knight to 'walk the plank' when the portrait opened and Professor McGonagall entered followed by a distressingly serious looking Dumbledore.

Sirius stared at them and barely took notice of the ruckus his pieces caused as Remus packed away the chess set. Remus stood and offered his chair to McGonagall who nodded primly and sat down, Remus sat down on the couch beside Sirius, close enough for Sirius to take slight comfort in his friend's body heat. Dumbledore sat in the chair to their right and folded his hands in his lap. Sirius was distracted by the tiny golden snitches that flitted about the bright red fabric of the Headmaster's robes. He couldn't quite bring himself to meet the older wizard's eyes.

"Mr. Black." It was McGonagall who spoke and Sirius raised his eyes to her. "You've been ill?"

Sirius nodded absently.

"Are you feeling better?" She continued her voice stern but not cruelly so.

Sirius nodded again and Remus sighed quietly.

"Sirius. We already know...about the drugs...among other things." Sirius jerked his head to look at the headmaster, whose voice was somber and compassionate. "This will all be much easier if you'll be honest with us about these circumstances. We are not as determined to punish you as you may believe."

Sirius looked at Dumbledore, the most powerful Wizard in England they said and turned his eyes to Professor McGonagall, stern and yet somehow always able to make sure her students knew that she cared. Sirius recalled her gentle hand on his shoulder, and the underlying compassion in her voice. "_Neither I nor the headmaster is afraid of the Black name."_

He looked at Remus whose amber flecked eyes were making promises of friendship, solidarity, understanding. Remus who he had nearly taken advantage of, Remus who had held him when he'd cried. He turned his eyes to the fire and after another moment he began to talk.

He couldn't recall having ever spoken so much in his life, it was as if a door had been opened and everything he had not said simply poured out. He talked about his father, and his method of 'showing' Sirius what it meant to be a Black. He talked about Alphard coming to save him, and of telling Regulus to do what he must.

He talked about how things had gotten better, for awhile, when he was at Hogwarts. He talked about James, and Remus and even Peter and how they had made him realize that there was more to life then blood and status. He talked about getting older and feeling desperate to escape from Grimauld Place. He talked about leaving home and how he'd felt when James' father had stood up to Orion and allowed Sirius to stay with them.

He talked about Alphard's death and how betrayed he'd felt by James and his parents for never telling him, how angry he'd been at Alphard. How he'd sat by Alphard's bed in St. Mungo's waiting for him to die. About how Alphard had died while Sirius was talking about buying a motorbike, about how he'd come back and felt like he didn't know how to be himself anymore. How he'd skipped class and stayed out past curfew.

Without shame or euphamism he talked about the girls and the drinking, and trying to feel okay. He talked about Remus' being there, telling him he was still Sirius. Then he talked about how the war had started to leak into Hogwarts and how the ugliness of it had made him feel cold inside, and he talked about the fighting in the corridors and the attack outside the castle that had led him to meet Joslin.

He talked about Joslin without mentioning the others, he talked about how Joslin had given him the drugs and wanted sex in return. He talked about paying Joslin the money he'd won from James and then about how he'd liked kissing him. How it didn't make sense, how it'd confused him. He talked about the drugs and how they made him feel far away and happy, made all of the bad things veiled.

And then he talked about the green house being locked, and Joslin leaving and he talked about the pain of withdrawal. About how he'd tried to do it on his own but had broken down and called James who'd brought Remus along.

By the time he stopped talking his voice was hoarse and he noticed that at some point Remus had slid his fingers into Sirius'. Sirius didn't take his eyes from the fire.

"I knew that it wasn't a good idea, I just…" Sirius said in a whisper. "I didn't know what it was at first and then…I didn't want to stop...and then...and then I couldn't stop."

Everyone was silent for a moment. Sirius caught Dumbledore's gesture out of the corner of his eye and Remus gave his hand a tight squeeze and then stood. Sirius raised his head and watched Remus follow Professor McGonagall out and turned his eyes to Dumbledore.

"Sirius, you know that this is a very grave situation." Dumbledore said his tone unusually flat, "Mr. Cambridge will not be returning to Hogwarts."

Sirius' body tensed. "Because…"

Sirius looked away from the Headmaster, not wanting to hear that Joslin had been expelled, not wanting to know that he would be too.

"Sirius…" The Headmaster took a sighing breath and Sirius wanted to close into himself. "Joslin Cambridge died."

Sirius jerked his head up, a strange sickness welling up inside of him and he could barely whisper out his question. "What?"

"His parents discovered him, unconscious in his bedroom two days ago." Dumbledore's blue eyes, darker than they normally were, never strayed from Sirius'. "They took him to St. Mungo's, he had taken a series of muggle drugs to try and combat the withdrawal from the Gillyweed. The healers couldn't clear his system quickly enough. He died not long after he was brought in."

Sirius couldn't breath, or think. His heart seemed ready to jump from his chest. "He…he's _dead_?"

Dumbledore nodded and silence drifted around them.

"But I..." Sirius whispered but didn't know what he was trying to say.

"Sirius, it's important that you understand you couldn't have helped his situation, but also that your own is precarious." Dumbledore said and his voice drew Sirius' eyes to his. "Drugs such as Gillyweed, are strictly forbidden and dangerous."

"Will I be…" Sirius started but Dumbledore held up a hand.

"No, we'll not be expelling you." Sirius couldn't summon relief from beyond the shock and Dumbledore continued on. "Madam Pomfrey will be down shortly to look you over, and from now on, I'll be keeping a close eye on you. Your grades, your behavior and you'll have to undergo scheduled testing for any illegal substance. It would be wise for you to keep your toes off the line."

Sirius nodded mutely turning his eyes back to the fire, his mind was spinning and his emotions in disarray. So lost in the tumult of the circumstances, he didn't notice that Dumbledore had moved to sit beside him on the sofa until he felt the older wizard's hand on top of his tightly clenched fists. Sirius looked up to see the strange creases of sadness on the headmaster's face and the flatness of the usually twinkling blue eyes.

"Minerva and I, we carry no small amount of guilt for our own distraction." Dumbledore's voice was warmly compassionate, "We saw and understood enough of your trials, and let ourselves be led astray by your careful façade, my dear boy. Our pride in your strength and aptitude overshadowed our better judgment and we failed you. I will not do so again, but with our guidance comes the requirement of your own willingness to push forth and stand steady once again."

Sirius nodded again and Dumbledore patted his hands. "The war will only get worse from here I'm afraid. Each of us must learn to face this and fight against it, if we are to come out the victors."

Dumbledore raised his head as the portrait door opened and made a gesture of invitation. Madam Pomfrey entered looking worried and near tears. Dumbledore rose and spoke quietly to her before turning back to Sirius.

"We'll speak soon, Sirius." He said and took his leave.

Madam Pomfrey came around the sofa and knelt on the floor in front of him. She lifted his chin and sighed.

"You poor thing." She shook her head. "I think I've been breaking my heart over you since that first time you came to me saying you'd fallen off your broom over the holidays five years ago."

Those words made it nearly impossible for Sirius to keep his own tears at bay. The shame and embarrassment at the answers he had to give to the mediwitch's questions were soothed only a little by her her gentle touch and red-rimmed eyes.

In the end, she had given him fifteen different potions and told him with a shadow of her usual firmness that he was to report to her following classes everyday to be tested for drug use. She watched him swallow the first round of potions and stood to go.

Sirius stood to see her out and had only followed her a single step when she turned around and pulled him into a hug that was as gentle as it was smothering. She wiped her eyes and hurried out the portrait hole too fast for Sirius to respond.

When Remus returned, Sirius was once again in his bed, curled up over-top of the covers. He had been thinking about Joslin, trying to sort out how he felt about him being dead. Remus sat on the end of his bed for several moments without speaking. And then he stood and walked over to to Alphard's old record player that Sirius had brought and spent hours working out a spell to make run with out electricity.

When the music began to play, Sirius choked on his own sob. He hadn't known he needed it, but Remus-Remus had known.

_Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter_

_Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here_

_Here comes the sun_

_Here comes the sun, and I say_

_It's all right_

And he wept silently, as Remus settled on the floor beside his bed facing away, giving Sirius just enough privacy for all his tears and yet staying close enough that the hurt didn't overwhelm him.

_Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces_

_Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here_

_Here comes the sun_

_Here comes the sun, and I say_

_It's all right_

_Sun, sun, sun, here it comes_

_Sun, sun, sun, here it comes_

_Sun, sun, sun, here it comes_

_Sun, sun, sun, here it comes_

_Sun, sun, sun, here it comes_

The song played on, and Sirius thought of Alphard, thought of Joslin, and desperately wanted the Beatles to be right.

_Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting_

_Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear_

_Here comes the sun_

_Here comes the sun, and I say_

_It's all right_

_Here comes the sun_

_Here comes the sun, and I say_

_It's all right_

_It's all right_

Review me baby!


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